It can feel intimidating leaning into the dark places within. It seems so much easier to continue casting away the things we don’t like about ourselves to the shadows and keep those difficult parts under our “control.” Yet, this is a fallacy; this practice leaves us blind to ourselves and also creates a vulnerability within that generates more fear and division. The fact that you are reading this article speaks to a part of you wanting to integrate and build awareness of your full self. This is where our power truly lies.
Still, most people I talk with express a lot of fear and hesitancy, as these places are riddled with shame, guilt, judgment, and sometimes outright disdain. It takes a lot of courage, bravery, and patience to lean into these places. Consider a dog caught in a trap as a metaphor. The trap it is trapped in represents a pattern of coping that puts difficult experiences, emotions, thoughts, and self-perceptions into the shadow where it cannot be seen, even by ourselves. When we try to feel some kind of connection or help it, it may express anger, getting aggressive and judgmental. Overtime, we learn to avoid this part completely. When we begin to tune back in, our shadow selves can be perceived to be acting like a violent dog and, at first glance ,is very scary. But with patience, love, and kindness we find that this part of ourselves truly needs more love and connection.
We need to build trust and rapport with this part of ourselves and bring more light to its difficulties. It is not an aggressive and mean dog that will hurt you, it is angry and afraid, needing more love and acceptance, not feeling seen or heard. We must bring light to the heavy experiences these parts have endured.
When working to bring more light to this darker parts, consider what light is comprised of. Light is made up of a variety of energies including unconditional love, compassion, understanding, patience, and even courage. You can’t expect these dark parts of yourself to be very excited about connecting with you after being put in a corner and cast aside. We need to first build trust and gentle rapport.
Think about how you build trust in general relationships – we offer love, presence, acknowledgment, and compassionate care. We can invite these parts in with a bit of caution to see and hear these voices that are buried so deep. Begin by showing it that you mean well and offer apologies for the division that is occurring. Perhaps making a loving, positive statement or two a few times a day to stay attentive to the relationship such as, “All parts of myself deserve to be seen and heard” or saying directly to the dark parts, “Hi there – just checking in on you” and offering some listening if these parts have anything to say. If it’s anger or judgment, set boundaries, offer apologies, and remind yourself that you are working to change this.
Let these parts know that you are taking steps to create more cohesion and you need support to do so. You might not like these scary, dark areas of your psyche; yet, you are working to care for these parts equally and move forward with courage. What you will find overtime is that these parts are usually on the same page with ourselves more than we realize.
This practice is a process that is all about ease and flow with gentleness – not about forcing or trying to change any part of yourself in this moment. Without wanting to change anything, it brings an unconditional aspect to our love which deepens trust and offers more space for softening (as we discussed in the last newsletter and meditation). Let’s take a gentler tone with ourselves and our perception of these dark places that reside in us all. With this softer approach, the lines of division gradually begin to blur, and we see the connection within ourselves that has been broken. Slowly but surely, we can begin to thread the parts together again with chords of healing light.
If you feel resistant, uncomfortable, and/or uncertain, than you are on the right path. This is quite normal. Some share a fear that this shadow part will take over or they won’t have control any longer. Others that they will become overwhelmed with negativity. These ideas could not be farther from the truth. Leaning into parts of ourselves that we have judged (and also been judged by) and cast out can be difficult to jump from shame and blame right into love and compassion. Shifting our patterns can feel off and uncertain initially so take your time with yourself and be gentle not matter what. It takes time to build trust and continue to stay attuned, so set your intention and be kind.
Remember the gifts that arise as you continue to practice, you will gain mastery and more understanding of the lessons, treasures, and gems that have been hidden in the darkness and they will come into the light more as you shine the light of your presence and attention there, which creates more connection. What do you have to lose? There is never anything to fear within your own self – we only lose control and power when we are divided within. Work to create more integration for yourself within this year and you will find more peace, inner power, and ease in your life.