Taking Brief Moments of "You-Time"

Taking Brief Moments of “You-Time”

     Living in our society, so many of us have received the subtle message that if we take time for ourselves, it is selfish. Unfortunately, that has led a large portion of Americans to focus on others in lieu of managing and understanding themselves. When we focus primarily on others without self-awareness, we are often not feeling empowered or uplifted.

     This article is a reminder that we can’t focus only on ourselves or always put our attention on others – we must do both. We need to take care of ourselves and others equally – starting with ourselves. If we truly want to see more equality in the world, we must start within and expand out to others from there. We can’t give to others if we have nothing to offer and end up depleting ourselves. Each of us has the capacity to fill our own cups and then give to others. We are all deserving of attention, particularly coming from the one life-long friend who will always be there – you!

     When we take time to focus on ourselves, and then focus our attention on others to give back to them, there is more of a balance of giving and receiving. This is the reciprocal nature of the universe in harmonious relationships. If we focus just on ourselves or just on others, we can feel imbalanced and out of harmony with ourselves.

     “You-time” doesn’t have to be a full day at the spa. It can be brief moments that help us ground and replenish, offering care and kindness in the present moment. This awakens a gentleness that lightens the heart. Start by checking in with yourself a couple of times a day and build from there. Take the time to fill your cup with the attention, appreciation, and love that you find helpful from others. Rumi stated, “never give from the depths of your well, but from the overflow.” Take the time to assess the fullness (or emptiness) of your well. Learn how to listen within to understand how your inner world works.

     Many patients I have spoken with over the years express feelings of guilt when taking time for self. You are never selfish in taking “you-time.” Selfish is focusing on self without ever giving thought to others. You can check-in and give yourself attention even in the act of doing something for someone else. Take a breath and offer a bit of love to yourself, especially in difficult situations that are taxing and depleting. Meet the moment as best you can and be there for yourself, just as other loved ones may be there for you. Stay curious about what is happening whenever feelings of guilt arise. Check-in with yourself on where this belief comes from and why you do or do not believe it. Ask yourself, am I doing anything wrong? Am I in balance and in good relations with myself to have better relations with others?

     A little bit of “you-time” really goes a long way. Sometimes when I feel depleted, it takes only a few minutes of attention within and some deep breaths to fill my cup again. Remember that the perception of what you have in your cup influences how you feel. We just need to remember ourselves and give attention, appreciation, and love. From here, it’s always easier to give quality care from the overflow.

    If you are interested in working out self-care techniques to aid in creating more “you-time” – I will be holding an in-person workshop called Developing and Practicing Skills for Self-Care: A Mindful Morning on May 18th from 10-1pm. For more information, go to my website https://www.drlisatempleton.com/selfcare.

Being With Grace

Being with Grace

By Dr. Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

     For some time, I have been considering the meaning of the word grace. We have all heard the word used in many connotations referring to the grace of Mother Mary, the grace of a deer, the grace of forgiveness. So, what does grace really mean? Is it compassion for another or forgiving of harm? Is it about movements and flow that feels effortless? Does grace relate to elegance and poise? Patience, love, and softness? What about present moment awareness?

     Grace seems to encompass all these qualities at the same time. Grace seems to live in between the moments of “doing” and it somehow arrives more consciously when intentionally invited. To access it, we must be in the moment, slow down and set an intention to receive it. Perhaps grace is something beyond us and/or within us, living beneath the din of our cell phones, news, and social media. Consider in this moment how you can connect with the qualities of grace, including compassion, patience, poise, ease, softness, and effortlessness. In whatever way you might define the term grace, consider expanding your mind to consider all these qualities occurring at once. Each happening in the present moment. We just need to be aware of what is happening and the rhythms of how these higher vibrational qualities feel to us in the moment.

     Start with this brief exercise. Take a deep breath. Slow down your thoughts, give it a little time with some patience. Exhale deeply, inhale deeply. Now imagine a beautiful deer on the edge of a deep green forest just grazing and frolicking in a field. Notice how it moves with sure-footed confidence. There is no worry, there is no tension – only present moment awareness, living in the now and in the beauty of the moment, alert and attuned.

     If we listen to the present moment, we will always find those aspects of grace. Generally, when we set an intention to look for it, we will find it. That sweet peace deep within that is full of care and kindness. Showing up for ourselves and each other with a soft presence creates more strength and resiliency. This also brings more harmonious flow and rhythm to our lives. In a world that seems to embrace chaos and dissonance, we must take agency and stay connected to our own mind, body, and spirit with love.

     Practice imagining the deer and sitting with this energy of being totally connected to the present moment. The deer is not thinking about the past or the future, only the moment at hand. Ask for grace to come into your life; listen and look for the softness, effortlessness, harmony, love, and compassion of grace. Experiment and play with it. Whatever this energy is, it is here in every present moment to help us get through life’s incredible difficulties. Even if you are not religious or spiritual, you can consider and connect with it. Grace lives in the present moment; yet, it is within us, as we are made from the universe itself. Play and frolic around like the deer listening for the energy of grace and stay in the moment to notice what happens.

Six Simple Mindful Life Hacks

Six Simple Mindful Life Hacks

By: Dr. Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

     It’s hard to address our inner world in a society full of external distractions and never-ending responsibilities. Yet, a little bit goes a long way when it comes to mindfulness. Just build small bits of attention and appreciation for your mind and body into your day to help ground and balance you. The key is to remember that the present moment always offers a gift.

     In a very busy life full of constant tasks and activities, it’s so easy to deprioritize attention to our inner world; yet it is so extremely important. When we gently move back into the present moment and take brief amounts of time to practice, we can gain more focus and awareness of what is happening around and within us. We can find space in a world that can seem confining, and also identify and know ourselves more deeply, which offers the opportunity for empowerment, compassion, and self-love.

     Here are six simple and brief practices you can do to gain more agency within and build some objectivity to broaden your inner perspective:

1) Engage your senses – take a few moments throughout your day to notice what you are smelling, tasting, seeing, feeling, and hearing. Be aware of what’s around and within you. Practice for 10-20 seconds a few times a day.

2) Practice mindful scrolling – Just before you get on social media, take a few seconds to ground into the present moment and notice what’s going on within you as you begin to scroll and engage. Listen and attend to the thoughts in your mind and emotions in your body. Take agency of your inner world, particularly while being bombarded with excessive information. Also, try the same practice when watching the news. Stay open-minded and objective and take breaks as needed to attune to yourself.

3) Take 3 deep slow breaths in and out. Take note briefly of how your body feels pre and post breaths. Deep breaths bring more oxygen into our limbs and therefore can offer a feeling of relaxation. Imagine on your in-breath, taking in care and love, while on your out-breath, letting go of what doesn’t serve you.

4) Give a little attention to your body. Your body moves everywhere with you and endures all that your mind puts it through. Be kind and attentive to it. Watch for negative judgments about any pain, cravings, emotions, and/or discomfort occurring in your body. Try setting an alarm to check-in for a 5-10 second perspective twice a day.

5) Stay present and listen to your thoughts. Take note of the dialogue going on internally as you task and move through life. Are you living in a mind where blossoms are growing, or a mind in conflict with yourself? Most of our thoughts are unconscious so you may not be aware of many thoughts until you begin to listen. Set an intention to listen with compassion and curiosity. If you notice a ‘Debbie downer’ in your head, stay assertive and kind – set loving boundaries on what you don’t want in your mind and start growing and cultivating what you do. Consider how you might speak to a loved one vs. yourself. Plant the seeds of love and compassion into your consciousness as often as possible.

6) Try a focusing exercise daily – we need guidance to keep our attention and focus strong, especially in such a distracting culture. A focusing exercise is a great practice for our brains on technology – like weights to help our brains gain muscle. First, choose a stimulus, any stimulus around or within you that piques your senses. For example, it could be the sound of the heater, the smell of coffee, the texture of a soft blanket or maybe the sensations in your hands. Choose something to focus on and stay there to the best of your ability. Set an alarm for 30 seconds and stay focused on that one stimulus. If (when) other thoughts come in, bring your focus back to the stimulus at hand and practice keeping other thoughts at bay. Remember that if you find yourself too distracted, you can always switch to another stimulus. For example, a barking dog or lawn mower can function as an interesting stimulus to focus on with curiosity. Continue to increase the time from 30 seconds to perhaps a minute or 2 minutes. We can do anything for a couple of minutes!

     These life hacks for mindfulness along with strength and objectivity of mind are essential practices for life. Set your intention to try and then take on little bits at a time. Choose one or two of these practices at first and give it a try. Remember that the whole point is to practice noticing whatever is in the present moment without judgment, so just observe how the practices make you feel. If you can develop these small habits of mindfulness, you can change your life.

Working the Cure: A powerful tool for change

Working the Cure: A powerful tool for creating change

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

We all want more love and acknowledgment in the divisive and chaotic world we live in today. If we are to find a way through and connect with ourselves and each other, we must lean into ourselves and cultivate practices that help us evolve and open our hearts to love.

Working the CURE is an acronym to help us remember and stay attuned to what we have control over in our perception. It is a tool that can uplift us all. This starts when we listen more deeply to what is within ourselves. It can’t hurt to explore our inner world a bit – to breathe in and set our intention to eavesdrop on our mind and body – take a break from the outside world for just a few brief moments.

Be courageous and be the change you are looking for – try this practice and work the CURE:

C – Stay compassionately curious with care to what you hear internally. Be kind and gentle. This takes strength and focus. Mindfulness is about being present without judgment. Take on an attitude of wonderment with your inner world. There is nothing to fear. It may not feel comfortable to be consciously kind to yourself, so a good starting point is just being neutral with whatever comes up.

U – Give unconditional love and care to yourself as often as you can. This won’t always be natural, but ask yourself how you feel when you say mean comments to yourself and/or criticize aspects of your body, performance, etc. Love is so much lighter than hate or judgment and you can overtime create much more ease and calm in your mind and body with love.

R – Realign or reset your perspective and expand/broaden what is really happening within, especially in response to your external world. Consider what you don’t know. Take the time to counter your own beliefs. Why do you believe them? What experiences led you there? As you reset your perception, you can the confirmation bias that lives within us all (i.e., we look for information in our environment to confirm our beliefs, not counter them). Take time to consider other possible perceptions and/or experiences.

E – Offer empathy to yourself first and then to others. We often hear about empathy, defined as stepping into someone else’s perspective or walking in their shoes. In this practice, begin first by walking in your own shoes and considering the context and experience of your life. Many seem to have more empathy for others than for themselves. This practice always starts with yourself. Put your own life into context and consider the circumstances going on around you with an empathic perspective, as you would someone you love. With practice, you can get better at shifting your perspective into someone else’s.

The more we practice working the cure, the better we get at opening our perspective and listening to what is going on around and within us. This tool automatically creates change within, and we become more conscious of what we can and cannot control. Additionally, there is a love that functions as curative and caring that radiates from all practicing. As we take back our own power, we inspire and empower others to do the same. Together, we can all build on the light that is within each of our hearts.

Cultivating Gratitude in Times of Difficulty

    We have so much for which to be grateful. We can always find something, no matter how difficult our lives might be. Research finds that practicing gratitude daily leads to better quality sleep, increased immunity, a calmer perspective, as well as a healthier heart. From a psychological perspective, gratitude has been found to help people overcome trauma and improve mental resilience, even in difficult times. Understanding that gratitude affects us in so many positive, amazing ways, it's hard to make an argument against not practicing. So how can we cultivate a practice of gratitude? Here are 7 suggestions:

1) Set your intention to stay mindful to all the moments in your life. Remain present as often as you can. Consider all that is around you - the gadgets and conveniences that many of us have and all the extra time they provide for us. For example, I am so thankful for the dishwasher. When I am loading or unloading, I sometimes think about the amount of time I’m saving from not having to wash and dry every dish. I take a breath and smile my appreciation for this experience. Other examples include having a washing machine, a refrigerator, or even indoor plumbing.

2) Tune into your body as you feel thankful for something or someone. Observe the impact it has on your body if you can. Take note of this feeling as you can always come back to it. Some studies suggest that it takes nearly 12 seconds for a positive emotion to register in our brains (3-4 seconds for negative emotions, btw), so let the feeling draw out a bit.

3) Watch out for feelings of unworthiness or thoughts that you might not “deserve” something beautiful for which you are grateful. The question of whether we or anyone else deserve something is not really in our jurisdiction. Let that go and know that it’s okay to move into gratitude.

4) Let go of attachments. Anything for which I am immensely grateful for, I may fear losing at times. Everything is transitory, yet we can offer our full thanks even if it’s gone tomorrow. Stay in the present moment.

5) Keep a gratitude log. Write down 5 things/people/situations for which you are grateful each day. If you miss a day, just work on letting it be. Practice when you can and keep the log near you. You could always just keep it in your phone as we all seem to be near our phones in most moments. Alternatively, you can buy a beautiful notebook and use a page a day.

6) In times of difficulty, it can be tough to even feel the experience of gratitude. There have been times when I have written down my 5 things in my journal and I am struggling to access the feeling involved in that moment. That is okay. When we go through times of trauma and struggle, we can feel numb or too overwhelmed with other emotions to feel gratitude fully. Remember that the practice matters on a deeper level. You may not fully feel gratitude, but the habit will remain; this will offer incredible resiliency for the tough aspects of life. When we move through our pain, we set our emotions in motion.

7) One of the most difficult things with which we all struggle with is being grateful for ourselves. Don’t forget to offer gratitude for yourself – both your body and your mind. We tend to focus all our gratitude externally. Our bodies can be frustrating, and they require so much maintenance and so much attention while it continues to need sleep, eat, use the restroom, and address emotions that move around and through our body at very inconvenient times. Meanwhile, our minds can move so quickly with such rapid thoughts, it can feel totally overwhelming at times. At the same time, the abilities of our mind and body and how so many functions do work automatically in amazing ways. If there is something not working in your mind or body, do your best to acknowledge and give gratitude for what is working.

     Cultivating a practice of gratitude will benefit you throughout your entire life. It is a mindset and a remembering of our gifts, our joys, the beauty that lives all around us, even in the dark times of sorrow.

How To Be Mindful On The Go

     This article is a brief outline to help us practice mindfulness, surfing on this ocean of life. When we intentionally and mindfully take steps to slow down, we start to experience ourselves, even when we are on the go. Life moves at a very high speed with loads of stimulation constantly processing in minds and bodies. It is essential that we stay present in the moment, grateful for our surroundings, while staying kind and loving toward each other, but more importantly, ourselves.

     Eleanor Brown, an American novelist, stated, “Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” When you take time for yourself, you can fill yourself up and it gives you more to give to others. This is why we are instructed to put on our oxygen mask first on an airplane, so that we can stay healthy to assist others. To ignore others and focus on ourselves is what it means to be selfish, not to care for yourself. We must care for ourselves just as we care for our children. What a great model we can be to teach our children self-love, kindness, boundaries, and balance for ourselves first and then each other. This is how we will find peace as a nation, there is true equality for everyone when we are not in conflict with ourselves.

Here are some suggestions to aid you in slowing down, increasing your self-care, and staying mindful on the go:

1) Plan to slow down each day – start with just 1-2 minutes and work up to 5 minutes. Call it a grounding practice, a prayer session, a reflection time, an intention setting, or a meditation. Whatever name works for you to remember. Slow down and be intentional with your focus on the moment. Use your breathing, notice the clock ticking, the birds singing, or go inward and notice something specific going on internally such as the pulse of blood through your hands. Continue working to stay there – gently and kindly moving back to the moment when you realize you have gotten distracted. Practice staying in the moment for as long as possible, even if it’s just a few seconds.

2) Remember that there is no place for judgment in this practice of slowing down. Whatever you notice, let it be, let yourself be, even with loads of distractions and thousands of reminders while you meditate. Success is about making the effort to slow down. You succeed only when you try.

3) Practice presence throughout your day whenever you think of it – feel your body, your senses, and notice what it feels like. When you find you are not in the present moment, gently bring yourself back without any judgment. As Eckart Tolle reminds us that the moment you realize that you are not in the moment, you automatically shift back! Shift yourself to presence as often as you can. The more you practice, the easier this becomes.

4) Try being in the moment and breathing while doing general household tasks or other work – check in with yourself and be a good friend to yourself. Create an inner world of kindness. Notice what it feels like for you to unload the dishwasher, take a walk, shower, drive, or sit at your desk.

5) Be grateful everyday for the blessings in your life. Review the things you are grateful for daily with an open heart.

     To be present with yourself is to promote healing and positive energy to all those around you. Give yourself the gift of presence – focus on you for a time and find how you can really enhance your life and your relationships. Be with whatever you notice and unveil a garden of beauty within yourself. The next time you catch yourself moving fast – actively breathe and practice slowing down. We can only slow down with practice and patience. Take a little time each day to be with your thoughts, your body, and your spirit. With this presence, you will then create a mindfulness that always lives within you, whether sitting at ease or on the go.

Transforming Defensiveness with Curiosity

Transforming Defensiveness with Curiosity

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

     Becoming defensive may seem to offer a protective layer in this chaotic, harsh, and judgmental world we live in, but it often creates more conflict. This article is a guide to help us notice when defensiveness arises so that we can transform it. Research has found that most disputes begin, not with a genuine attack, but with a perception of an attack and a consequent defensive stance. Defensiveness is often perceived as an attack. Hence, most conflicts ensue from defense against defense, with no real attackers. With this in mind, we must stay very aware of ourselves with respect to our own defensiveness.

     When we slow down around the reactivity of defensiveness, we learn more about how it plays out and subsequently creates conflict, separation, and uneasiness in our relationships. As we stay mindful of this experience, we learn more about how it is working (or not working) for us and move into more curiosity, care, and compassion with ourselves and each other. Asking questions about the experience within ourselves can help us relate more with this defensive feeling so that we can begin to transform it. Here are three questions to ask yourself if you start to feel defensive:

1) What is happening in my mind and body when I feel defensive? Take note of your stance and how it feels in your body. When I feel defensive, there is usually constriction happening in my heart and stomach area. There may be tightness and/or resistance. There also might be thoughts, “I am not safe” or “this person is trying to hurt me.” When we feel attacked, it is easy to move into an automatic fight or flight mentality.

Check in and give yourself a bit of space to notice what is arising for you. Remember that it takes a lot more energy than we might realize to put up defenses with another person. Those who feel especially vulnerable might have their defenses up most or all the time. This is exhausting. Take a moment and breathe into your body to observe the experience of defensiveness.

2) How can I be responsive instead of reactive? If we create some space and stay aware of what it feels like to be defensive, we can slow the process down and make a clear choice to respond rather than react. Once you notice the signs of defensiveness within yourself, slow it down. Stay open as to what is happening in the situation and how you choose to behave. With interest, you might question whether the person is attacking us or just expressing their own defensiveness. Is the whole thing a misunderstanding? If you feel attacked, the best way to respond is with clarity (a statement) and curiosity (a question). For example, “I am feeling attacked in this moment, what’s happening?”

3) Why am I feeling attacked? If we are defensive, we feel attacked so what is occurring that you are feeling hurt or offended? If you are able to answer this question, it provides more self-understanding about your own triggers. Perhaps someone used a negative tone or criticism with you or came off as dismissive with you. Stay attuned to yourself and what is taking place. What is it that we are really defending? What are you telling yourself about the situation in your mind?

As you stay mindful of your thoughts and feelings related to the situation, you learn more about your triggers or buttons. Once we understand this aspect of ourselves, we can “shore up our buttons” as I like to say. In other words, we can learn to protect ourselves in more responsive and effective ways. You might even be able to completely reframe the situation. You might remember that when someone criticizes or is dismissive with us, their behavior often relates to their inner world and insecurities, not ours. From this place, we can create more effective ways to protect ourselves by broadening our perspective of the situation at hand.

Practice asking these questions and be honest with yourself. A stance of defensiveness creates a wall, which is a set up for division and separation. To bring about more connection, intimacy, and compassion in your relationships, stay curious, kind, and gentle with your defensiveness.

Bringing Light to Dark Places Within

     It can feel intimidating leaning into the dark places within.  It seems so much easier to continue casting away the things we don’t like about ourselves to the shadows and keep those difficult parts under our “control.”  Yet, this is a fallacy; this practice leaves us blind to ourselves and also creates a vulnerability within that generates more fear and division.  The fact that you are reading this article speaks to a part of you wanting to integrate and build awareness of your full self.  This is where our power truly lies.

     Still, most people I talk with express a lot of fear and hesitancy, as these places are riddled with shame, guilt, judgment, and sometimes outright disdain.  It takes a lot of courage, bravery, and patience to lean into these places.  Consider a dog caught in a trap as a metaphor.  The trap it is trapped in represents a pattern of coping that puts difficult experiences, emotions, thoughts, and self-perceptions into the shadow where it cannot be seen, even by ourselves.  When we try to feel some kind of connection or help it, it may express anger, getting aggressive and judgmental.  Overtime, we learn to avoid this part completely.  When we begin to tune back in, our shadow selves can be perceived to be acting like a violent dog and, at first glance ,is very scary.  But with patience, love, and kindness we find that this part of ourselves truly needs more love and connection. 

     We need to build trust and rapport with this part of ourselves and bring more light to its difficulties.  It is not an aggressive and mean dog that will hurt you, it is angry and afraid, needing more love and acceptance, not feeling seen or heard.  We must bring light to the heavy experiences these parts have endured.

     When working to bring more light to this darker parts, consider what light is comprised of.  Light is made up of a variety of energies including unconditional love, compassion, understanding, patience, and even courage.  You can’t expect these dark parts of yourself to be very excited about connecting with you after being put in a corner and cast aside.  We need to first build trust and gentle rapport. 

     Think about how you build trust in general relationships – we offer love, presence, acknowledgment, and compassionate care.  We can invite these parts in with a bit of caution to see and hear these voices that are buried so deep.  Begin by showing it that you mean well and offer apologies for the division that is occurring.  Perhaps making a loving, positive statement or two a few times a day to stay attentive to the relationship such as, “All parts of myself deserve to be seen and heard” or saying directly to the dark parts, “Hi there – just checking in on you” and offering some listening if these parts have anything to say.  If it’s anger or judgment, set boundaries, offer apologies, and remind yourself that you are working to change this.  

     Let these parts know that you are taking steps to create more cohesion and you need support to do so.  You might not like these scary, dark areas of your psyche; yet, you are working to care for these parts equally and move forward with courage.  What you will find overtime is that these parts are usually on the same page with ourselves more than we realize.

     This practice is a process that is all about ease and flow with gentleness – not about forcing or trying to change any part of yourself in this moment.  Without wanting to change anything, it brings an unconditional aspect to our love which deepens trust and offers more space for softening (as we discussed in the last newsletter and meditation).  Let’s take a gentler tone with ourselves and our perception of these dark places that reside in us all.  With this softer approach, the lines of division gradually begin to blur, and we see the connection within ourselves that has been broken.  Slowly but surely, we can begin to thread the parts together again with chords of healing light.

     If you feel resistant, uncomfortable, and/or uncertain, than you are on the right path.  This is quite normal.  Some share a fear that this shadow part will take over or they won’t have control any longer.  Others that they will become overwhelmed with negativity.  These ideas could not be farther from the truth.  Leaning into parts of ourselves that we have judged (and also been judged by) and cast out can be difficult to jump from shame and blame right into love and compassion.  Shifting our patterns can feel off and uncertain initially so take your time with yourself and be gentle not matter what.  It takes time to build trust and continue to stay attuned, so set your intention and be kind.  

     Remember the gifts that arise as you continue to practice, you will gain mastery and more understanding of the lessons, treasures, and gems that have been hidden in the darkness and they will come into the light more as you shine the light of your presence and attention there, which creates more connection.  What do you have to lose?  There is never anything to fear within your own self – we only lose control and power when we are divided within.  Work to create more integration for yourself within this year and you will find more peace, inner power, and ease in your life.

Softening From the Inside Out

Softening From the Inside Out

By Dr. Lisa Templeton

The chaotic world we live in can easily harden each one of us. We are all in great need of softening. Hard hearts can be found in all directions; people feeling alone, angry, and desperate for care. The air of blame and judgment is prevalent throughout our society. This has created an environment laden with protection and hard boundaries with “the other”. The trouble is that “the other” is most likely just like you and me – the other might even be a part of you. We are all needing to protect ourselves more efficiently, with more love.

If “the other” is a part of you, this is happening within us at a deep level. There are no Americans who are not in some way feeling conflicted within themselves, whether it be about purpose or meaning or about health (illness, aging or weight management) or career (financial concerns, growth, retirement), or not feeling good enough, smart enough, rich enough – the list goes on and on. This conflict is not serving us – especially if we are working to create more equality and peace in the world.

Whatever may bring about stress in our lives, we can work to create an inner environment that sets the stage for resiliency and effective management of life. This entails softening within. This doesn’t mean don’t be cautious or that you are weak because you are soft. It means you are courageous for allowing yourself to let go and make intentional choices for yourself. If our inner space is a nurturing, accepting environment, then it’s much easier to bring that space with you wherever you go in whatever circumstance you find yourself. This energy expands and draws others in.

Let’s all work to create an internal nurturing environment that uplifts us within and all others around us. In this mindset, there is true equality. Every living being matters – including you! We soften our hearts melting old unnecessary internal protections that limit our relationship with ourselves and others. Here are 6 qualities that can guide us in softening:

1) Kindness – we must bring an air of kindness to our relationship with everything around us. This provides a precious ingredient to melting internal walls. When we offer kindness to others, there is a respect of value conveyed. Consider offering kindness to every single experience, feeling, sensation, person, or item that you encounter. That means being kind even when you have a painful sensation or a problem with your body or mind. Bring a smile and a sense of the sacred to everything in and around us.

2) Flexibility – we must stay flexible with our expectations and perceptions of ourselves and the world. Each person’s experience over the course of many years shapes beliefs and connections that grow. It is our responsibility to challenge these beliefs, first for ourselves, to be sure that the soil in the garden of our mind is nurturing and balanced to aid for growth and blossoming in our life. Be flexible with ever-changing information and new experiences that might come your way. Check out your assumptions and stay adaptable with them.

3) Gentleness – we have been taught to push ourselves, sometimes in a harsh way, without any thought to the tone or the capability given our current situation. Remember to bring equality to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a loved one in a gentle and nurturing way. We can bring an energy of gentleness that offers us guidance and wisdom. Gentleness doesn’t mean meek or passive. It is active - stay firm with yourself. Stay mindful of your inner tone.

4) Compassion, Empathy and Love – this trifecta is so important to melt away unnecessary protections and boundaries of our heart. We are working to soften from within, so we have to lean into some of our feelings. Remember the feeling of love and work to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Then, you must consider what the other person might feel. Sometimes we first must know what we ourselves are feeling. This entails an extension of our hearts, a softening within to feel. We plug in for a time and we unplug when needed – no need to harden. Love, compassion, and empathy offer the utmost protection when we expand and lean in to ourselves to trust that. Keep in mind that as we soften, we stay focused on our internal needs and ways to replenish our cup. This allows us to be open in the world a bit more without feeling so overwhelmed.

5) Spaciousness and Expansion – space offers a new perspective and feels so much less constricting when we expand our viewpoint. When we forge internal and external walls with ourselves and others, it can be very isolating and perpetuates the idea that we are alone, when that notion is absolutely false. Allow your heart to expand outward and notice how it feels within yourself for a time. Practice opening your heart to others energetically – always stay open to yourself. With our imagination, we can create space at any time. Practice!

6) Trust – it’s not easy to trust in such a chaotic world. Lean into yourself and remember that if you are working on yourself, you care about others and the world, you are trustworthy person. Trust to first soften with yourself. This is the most important relationship you will ever have. Any negative thinking patterns of judgment or blame are conditioned – not who you are. Trust that you are working to learn more about yourself. Softening is a huge aspect in accessing the wisdom within.

Carrying The Load With Grace, Kindness, and Strength

Carrying The Load With Grace, Kindness, and Strength

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

     The classic quote by Lena Horne, “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s how you carry it” is a great line and very helpful for shifting our perspective.  Yet, I can’t help but wonder, what is the best way to carry a load, so it doesn’t break one down?  In my reflections around this, I have come up with four pointers to keep in mind when it feels like life is weighing you down:

1)      Perspective is everything.  Our perspective is created by how we think about the load.  Thoughts such as, “this is unbearable” or “I can’t handle this” or “I won’t be able to get through this” only serve to increase our anxiety and the weight of what we are carrying.  Consider thoughts such as, “this load is heavy and I know I can get through this” or “I can handle this – I’m handling this right now” or “You got this, everything is temporary.”  These thoughts offer a bit of truth, lightness, and inner support to give us more strength to carry a heavy load with grace and resilience.

2)      Believe in yourself!  Remember the game, ‘Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board?  When we collectively believed that the person was light, they became lighter, light enough to lift with our pinky fingers!  When we believe that the load is lighter, it can become lighter.  Believing in ourselves comes from being a good friend to yourself.  Be kind and gentle.  When you stop to speak to yourself gently, light in tone, and loving, you are being a better friend to yourself.  This offers a strength to help us believe we have what it takes to move through.  In this mindset, there is always lightness.

3)      Remember the temporary nature of everything.  What feels like a very heavy load right now will possibly only be a memory in a few days or months.  All that is weighing on you right now is a potential form of teaching and growth.  The struggle in life can be just what we need to move forward in our own evolution.  Always keep in mind that everything is temporary.

4)      Stay in the present moment.  Take one step at a time and don’t think too much about the future steps you will be taking.  With a ‘one step at a time attitude’, we stay conscious of what is right here right now instead of engaging in a future time thinking we will carry this load forever.  We have no idea what the load will feel like even 10 steps from now.  Take it easy, keep breathing, and stay kind with yourself.  This offers the strength needed to carry a heavy load with grace and support.