The Power of Validation
By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.
Validation has the power to offer acknowledgment, active listening, as well as deeper connections with yourself and your loved ones. When we see, hear, and acknowledge what someone is saying and doing, it offers a light to them that can be uplifting. We all crave attention in various ways and it is nice to be seen by others (and by ourselves) with acceptance and love. Those that have not had much attention, affection, and appreciation often begin to question their worth and value as a person.
Have you heard the story of the professor who offers a $20 bill to his class of students? Of course, when offered a free $20, the whole class raises their hands to get the bill.
The professor proceeds to throw the $20 bill on the ground and stomp on it, speaking abusive comments to it, as well as crumpling/beating up on it. He does this for a little while and then asks if this changes anyone's mind about wanting the $20 bill.
As you may assume, everyone still wanted the abused, beat-up, and battered $20 bill because how the bill was treated did not change it's worth one bit. It was always and still is worth the $20 it is.
This story depicts how, just like the worth of the $20 bill, our value never changes throughout our existence, no matter what happens to us. It helps us to remember that no matter what kinds of abuse we might endure in our lives, our worth and our value never changes.
Would you ever look at a newborn baby and say - you are worthless? Even the baby isn't born thinking this way about him/herself. We are conditioned to believe this through subtle, as well as very direct messaging, from our societal environment. It is our responsibility to catch these old, conditioned patterns and challenge them with more love and compassion for ourselves. We must remind ourselves and each other that we do have worth.
So how can we give ourselves and each other more validation and acknowledgment? First, pay attention! Listen to what is going on within you, while also staying curious about what others are saying, experiencing, and expressing. Listen to truly hear, not just to respond.
Second, repeat back and reflect what you hear the other person saying. In other words, show acknowledgement that what has been said was heard and understood before moving into saying what you need to. For example, “I hear that you are saying…” or “Thanks for sharing your feelings of being frustrated…”
Third, don’t validate something about yourself or someone else that you don’t really believe and don’t have the evidence for. Validation is not about agreement; it’s about taking some time to understand where someone is coming from. Look for commonalities and insight to validate a person’s experiences, as well as their suffering and difficulties.
Lastly, offer kind, acknowledging words to the person. Remember that a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes and are therefore understandable when we listen and look at the big picture.
Don’t forget to give yourself some acknowledgment at times and listen deeply to what your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are saying to you. When we move into a stance of validation, we can begin to build more caring, positive relationships, both inside and outside of ourselves.
Each one of us are valid and full of worth. We are all more than enough, if we could just see past our conditioned patterns. We are all just doing our best, even if our best changes from day-to-day (or even moment-to-moment)! Validation is a powerful tool to build relationships and uplift hearts. Let’s give ourselves and each other more love and care with validation as we each continue to evolve and grow.