Softening From the Inside Out

By Dr. Lisa Templeton

The chaotic world we live in can easily harden each one of us. We are all in great need of softening. Hard hearts can be found in all directions; people feeling alone, angry, and desperate for care. The air of blame and judgment is prevalent throughout our society. This has created an environment laden with protection and hard boundaries with “the other”. The trouble is that “the other” is most likely just like you and me – the other might even be a part of you. We are all needing to protect ourselves more efficiently, with more love.

If “the other” is a part of you, this is happening within us at a deep level. There are no Americans who are not in some way feeling conflicted within themselves, whether it be about purpose or meaning or about health (illness, aging or weight management) or career (financial concerns, growth, retirement), or not feeling good enough, smart enough, rich enough – the list goes on and on. This conflict is not serving us – especially if we are working to create more equality and peace in the world.

Whatever may bring about stress in our lives, we can work to create an inner environment that sets the stage for resiliency and effective management of life. This entails softening within. This doesn’t mean don’t be cautious or that you are weak because you are soft. It means you are courageous for allowing yourself to let go and make intentional choices for yourself. If our inner space is a nurturing, accepting environment, then it’s much easier to bring that space with you wherever you go in whatever circumstance you find yourself. This energy expands and draws others in.

Let’s all work to create an internal nurturing environment that uplifts us within and all others around us. In this mindset, there is true equality. Every living being matters – including you! We soften our hearts melting old unnecessary internal protections that limit our relationship with ourselves and others. Here are 6 qualities that can guide us in softening:

1) Kindness – we must bring an air of kindness to our relationship with everything around us. This provides a precious ingredient to melting internal walls. When we offer kindness to others, there is a respect of value conveyed. Consider offering kindness to every single experience, feeling, sensation, person, or item that you encounter. That means being kind even when you have a painful sensation or a problem with your body or mind. Bring a smile and a sense of the sacred to everything in and around us.

2) Flexibility – we must stay flexible with our expectations and perceptions of ourselves and the world. Each person’s experience over the course of many years shapes beliefs and connections that grow. It is our responsibility to challenge these beliefs, first for ourselves, to be sure that the soil in the garden of our mind is nurturing and balanced to aid for growth and blossoming in our life. Be flexible with ever-changing information and new experiences that might come your way. Check out your assumptions and stay adaptable with them.

3) Gentleness – we have been taught to push ourselves, sometimes in a harsh way, without any thought to the tone or the capability given our current situation. Remember to bring equality to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a loved one in a gentle and nurturing way. We can bring an energy of gentleness that offers us guidance and wisdom. Gentleness doesn’t mean meek or passive. It is active - stay firm with yourself. Stay mindful of your inner tone.

4) Compassion, Empathy and Love – this trifecta is so important to melt away unnecessary protections and boundaries of our heart. We are working to soften from within, so we have to lean into some of our feelings. Remember the feeling of love and work to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Then, you must consider what the other person might feel. Sometimes we first must know what we ourselves are feeling. This entails an extension of our hearts, a softening within to feel. We plug in for a time and we unplug when needed – no need to harden. Love, compassion, and empathy offer the utmost protection when we expand and lean in to ourselves to trust that. Keep in mind that as we soften, we stay focused on our internal needs and ways to replenish our cup. This allows us to be open in the world a bit more without feeling so overwhelmed.

5) Spaciousness and Expansion – space offers a new perspective and feels so much less constricting when we expand our viewpoint. When we forge internal and external walls with ourselves and others, it can be very isolating and perpetuates the idea that we are alone, when that notion is absolutely false. Allow your heart to expand outward and notice how it feels within yourself for a time. Practice opening your heart to others energetically – always stay open to yourself. With our imagination, we can create space at any time. Practice!

6) Trust – it’s not easy to trust in such a chaotic world. Lean into yourself and remember that if you are working on yourself, you care about others and the world, you are trustworthy person. Trust to first soften with yourself. This is the most important relationship you will ever have. Any negative thinking patterns of judgment or blame are conditioned – not who you are. Trust that you are working to learn more about yourself. Softening is a huge aspect in accessing the wisdom within.

The Power of Validation

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Validation has the power to offer acknowledgment, active listening, as well as deeper connections with yourself and your loved ones. When we see, hear, and acknowledge what someone is saying and doing, it offers a light to them that can be uplifting. We all crave attention in various ways and it is nice to be seen by others (and by ourselves) with acceptance and love. Those that have not had much attention, affection, and appreciation often begin to question their worth and value as a person.

Have you heard the story of the professor who offers a $20 bill to his class of students? Of course, when offered a free $20, the whole class raises their hands to get the bill.

The professor proceeds to throw the $20 bill on the ground and stomp on it, speaking abusive comments to it, as well as crumpling/beating up on it. He does this for a little while and then asks if this changes anyone's mind about wanting the $20 bill.

As you may assume, everyone still wanted the abused, beat-up, and battered $20 bill because how the bill was treated did not change it's worth one bit. It was always and still is worth the $20 it is.

This story depicts how, just like the worth of the $20 bill, our value never changes throughout our existence, no matter what happens to us. It helps us to remember that no matter what kinds of abuse we might endure in our lives, our worth and our value never changes.

Would you ever look at a newborn baby and say - you are worthless? Even the baby isn't born thinking this way about him/herself. We are conditioned to believe this through subtle, as well as very direct messaging, from our societal environment. It is our responsibility to catch these old, conditioned patterns and challenge them with more love and compassion for ourselves. We must remind ourselves and each other that we do have worth.

So how can we give ourselves and each other more validation and acknowledgment? First, pay attention! Listen to what is going on within you, while also staying curious about what others are saying, experiencing, and expressing. Listen to truly hear, not just to respond.

Second, repeat back and reflect what you hear the other person saying. In other words, show acknowledgement that what has been said was heard and understood before moving into saying what you need to. For example, “I hear that you are saying…” or “Thanks for sharing your feelings of being frustrated…”

Third, don’t validate something about yourself or someone else that you don’t really believe and don’t have the evidence for. Validation is not about agreement; it’s about taking some time to understand where someone is coming from. Look for commonalities and insight to validate a person’s experiences, as well as their suffering and difficulties.

Lastly, offer kind, acknowledging words to the person. Remember that a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes and are therefore understandable when we listen and look at the big picture.

Don’t forget to give yourself some acknowledgment at times and listen deeply to what your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are saying to you. When we move into a stance of validation, we can begin to build more caring, positive relationships, both inside and outside of ourselves.

Each one of us are valid and full of worth. We are all more than enough, if we could just see past our conditioned patterns. We are all just doing our best, even if our best changes from day-to-day (or even moment-to-moment)! Validation is a powerful tool to build relationships and uplift hearts. Let’s give ourselves and each other more love and care with validation as we each continue to evolve and grow.