Softening From the Inside Out

Softening From the Inside Out

By Dr. Lisa Templeton

The chaotic world we live in can easily harden each one of us. We are all in great need of softening. Hard hearts can be found in all directions; people feeling alone, angry, and desperate for care. The air of blame and judgment is prevalent throughout our society. This has created an environment laden with protection and hard boundaries with “the other”. The trouble is that “the other” is most likely just like you and me – the other might even be a part of you. We are all needing to protect ourselves more efficiently, with more love.

If “the other” is a part of you, this is happening within us at a deep level. There are no Americans who are not in some way feeling conflicted within themselves, whether it be about purpose or meaning or about health (illness, aging or weight management) or career (financial concerns, growth, retirement), or not feeling good enough, smart enough, rich enough – the list goes on and on. This conflict is not serving us – especially if we are working to create more equality and peace in the world.

Whatever may bring about stress in our lives, we can work to create an inner environment that sets the stage for resiliency and effective management of life. This entails softening within. This doesn’t mean don’t be cautious or that you are weak because you are soft. It means you are courageous for allowing yourself to let go and make intentional choices for yourself. If our inner space is a nurturing, accepting environment, then it’s much easier to bring that space with you wherever you go in whatever circumstance you find yourself. This energy expands and draws others in.

Let’s all work to create an internal nurturing environment that uplifts us within and all others around us. In this mindset, there is true equality. Every living being matters – including you! We soften our hearts melting old unnecessary internal protections that limit our relationship with ourselves and others. Here are 6 qualities that can guide us in softening:

1) Kindness – we must bring an air of kindness to our relationship with everything around us. This provides a precious ingredient to melting internal walls. When we offer kindness to others, there is a respect of value conveyed. Consider offering kindness to every single experience, feeling, sensation, person, or item that you encounter. That means being kind even when you have a painful sensation or a problem with your body or mind. Bring a smile and a sense of the sacred to everything in and around us.

2) Flexibility – we must stay flexible with our expectations and perceptions of ourselves and the world. Each person’s experience over the course of many years shapes beliefs and connections that grow. It is our responsibility to challenge these beliefs, first for ourselves, to be sure that the soil in the garden of our mind is nurturing and balanced to aid for growth and blossoming in our life. Be flexible with ever-changing information and new experiences that might come your way. Check out your assumptions and stay adaptable with them.

3) Gentleness – we have been taught to push ourselves, sometimes in a harsh way, without any thought to the tone or the capability given our current situation. Remember to bring equality to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a loved one in a gentle and nurturing way. We can bring an energy of gentleness that offers us guidance and wisdom. Gentleness doesn’t mean meek or passive. It is active - stay firm with yourself. Stay mindful of your inner tone.

4) Compassion, Empathy and Love – this trifecta is so important to melt away unnecessary protections and boundaries of our heart. We are working to soften from within, so we have to lean into some of our feelings. Remember the feeling of love and work to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Then, you must consider what the other person might feel. Sometimes we first must know what we ourselves are feeling. This entails an extension of our hearts, a softening within to feel. We plug in for a time and we unplug when needed – no need to harden. Love, compassion, and empathy offer the utmost protection when we expand and lean in to ourselves to trust that. Keep in mind that as we soften, we stay focused on our internal needs and ways to replenish our cup. This allows us to be open in the world a bit more without feeling so overwhelmed.

5) Spaciousness and Expansion – space offers a new perspective and feels so much less constricting when we expand our viewpoint. When we forge internal and external walls with ourselves and others, it can be very isolating and perpetuates the idea that we are alone, when that notion is absolutely false. Allow your heart to expand outward and notice how it feels within yourself for a time. Practice opening your heart to others energetically – always stay open to yourself. With our imagination, we can create space at any time. Practice!

6) Trust – it’s not easy to trust in such a chaotic world. Lean into yourself and remember that if you are working on yourself, you care about others and the world, you are trustworthy person. Trust to first soften with yourself. This is the most important relationship you will ever have. Any negative thinking patterns of judgment or blame are conditioned – not who you are. Trust that you are working to learn more about yourself. Softening is a huge aspect in accessing the wisdom within.

Befriending Our Anxiety

Befriending Our Anxiety

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Our emotions have much to offer us in wisdom and direction; we only need to practice listening more deeply when they arise. Anxiety is an emotion that can be very uncomfortable inconvenient. Our initial instinct when anxiety comes up is to fight the tension and try to get rid of it. Many of us push away and/or judge anxiety when it shows up in our experience.

Shifting our perspective on anxiety can be very helpful. Can you work toward more connection with this experience? Why not welcome in the anxiety, listen to it, and observe it? What could happen if we befriended our anxiety? As Rumi writes of emotions in his poem, The Guest House, “Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house of its furniture - still, treat each guest honorably.”

Although we can feel as though certain emotions wipe us out and can be incredibly overwhelming at times. These difficult times will eventually abate and other, lighter, emotions move into the mix. Our entire life is a waxing and waning of emotions. We might as well befriend them, especially the ones we have been conditioned to judge so harshly and quickly.

It is quite possible that our anxiety might have important wisdom to communicate. All we need to do is to stop, look, and listen to what is going on within us – without judgment. With this present moment awareness, we are a bit more open and malleable to shift our own mind. As we shift our mind, our perception transforms to see a broadened truth. Here are 5 tips to aid you in shifting your perspective and working to befriend your anxiety:

1) Recognize that anxiety is not your enemy – there is nothing to fear with anxiety, it’s just uncomfortable. Anxiety cannot harm you or overtake you unless you allow it to. This lies in our perception and choices. Our anxiety may not seem like a friend, possibly because neither of you have ever been very friendly with each other. If you treat someone like your enemy, and push them away, you will create more separation and conflictual energy. Approach anxiety like a friend who wants to support you and offer help, but maybe doesn’t really know how just yet.

2) Use your imagination to personify your anxiety - try imagining your anxiety as a person. How are you relating? How is your anxiety relating to you? Assess this relationship from a neutral place. Perhaps you notice a thought like, “I don’t want this anxiety, get away, I shouldn’t feel this.” Consider how you might feel if someone spoke to you in this way? No one deserves to be pushed away or judged negatively. If you tell it to go away when it shows up, there is more conflictual energy and the whole exchange is even less comfortable. When you change how you relate with your anxiety, your anxiety can then shift how it is relating with you.

3) Be a good friend – consider the qualities of a good friend. Someone who is caring and compassionate. Someone who sees, hears, and acknowledges us while also working to uplift and offer us hope in times of struggle. A good friend will honor us and also set boundaries and be direct as needed to nurture both you and themselves. Consider what you look for in a friend and do your best to be that person in relationship with your anxiety. If you fall back into old ways of relating – mindfully slow down, apologize and offer care.

4) Teach your anxiety how you want to be treated – Consider what you might like to hear from a friend and how you would speak to them. Work to create that kind of dialogue in your own mind. Try saying something nice when you are feeling anxious or perhaps speak some truth around reasons why anxiety might be there to offer understanding and compassion. What might anxiety be communicating? What are you communicating back? How we talk to each other either creates or dissolves a friendship. How do you react internally to your anxiety when you notice this feeling? Is there compassion and understanding, or judgment and criticism? The more aware we are of our inner dialogue, the more we can listen and set boundaries on how we want and don’t want to be treated.

5) Spend time with your friend. We can often live only in our minds, thinking a lot about everything. Emotions live in our bodies, so if you want to visit with anxiety, you need to feel into where anxiety lives in your body. We must stop and feel in order to deeply listen. In this moment, take a nice deep breath and listen to locate where anxiety shows up in your physical body. For some, anxiety shows up in the stomach area; for others, it is in the heart or throat. It may even change where it lives each time you listen in. Perhaps you don’t notice it at all right now. Set an intention to notice more. No matter what you notice, make attempts to spend good quality time with anxiety, offering it deep breaths, compassion, understanding, and unconditional love.

Healing From the Inside Out

Healing From the Inside Out

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Our thoughts have a major impact on ourselves and the world around us. What is occurring inside of ourselves is connected to what is happening outside of ourselves. Yet, it is so easy to focus on the outside without as much awareness for what we are experiencing on the inside.

Much scientific research now recognizes that our thoughts are electromagnetic waves that give off frequencies. Thoughts are energy waves. Most of the time, we will notice when someone we love is down on themselves or negative. We can feel it, right? When others are negative, it can affect us. It’s hard to be around that vibration. It’s not easy to be aware of our own choices in thought and understand how our own negativity may affect others, as well as ourselves.

What happens when someone you are close with is negative? How do you cope with it? Does it bring you closer to that person, or farther away? It takes a lot of compassion and love to stay close to someone expressing negative energy. With this understanding, we must work on cultivating positivity, peace and love in our minds. Being kind and compassionate to ourselves radiates an incredibly strong vibration that has a powerful impact on not only ourselves, but the world as a whole.

Sure we are all going to have negative thoughts at times – it’s not easy to regulate our moods and states of mind, not to mention coping with all the difficulties life throws at us. These negative moments provide us practice for identifying the vibration and choosing to be kind to ourselves. When we make a mistake, can we give ourselves love? If we get negative and feel totally irritated and shut off, can we change our mind and bring love into our hearts? Can we change the frequencies of our energy to help ourselves and others around us?

Many experts on the brain have found that we can do just that with practice. But how? We must remember to make attempts at balancing our negative, uncomfortable experiences with more positive ones. First of all, start by exploring your inner world. Ask yourself – how am I speaking to myself in my head? How often am I offering myself a kind, uplifting statement? What really is my relationship with myself? Is there conflict within? What is the nature of the conflict? Why might I give the benefit of the doubt to someone else, but not to myself? What is so different about me that I don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt?

We are all equal – each of us deserving of love, understanding, and compassion. We all need to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. The love and consideration you might give others for a mistake is love; yet, to yourself, you offer scolding and criticism? What kind of vibration does that resonate in your mind and body, as well as in the world?

If you find that you are speaking unkindly to yourself, don’t judge yourself for it. Noticing what exists within is the first step to change it. Once you have identified it, consider what you might say to someone you love in the same situation. Say that same thing to yourself, even if it feels awkward or strange. A positive vibration will feel odd if you haven’t been living in that frequency. Allow yourself time and practice to acclimate to inner kindness. If you notice thoughts countering that kindness, confront them with love and be clear that this way of talking is not healthy and you want it to change. This pattern won’t change overnight, but it will start to show an impact on you and your world.

Remember that we cannot change something that we are not aware of. Work on becoming aware of the thoughts that are unkind to yourself. Notice them without judgment and remind yourself that you are working to shift this dynamic. If you fall back into your old conditioning with negative thoughts about yourself, catch it and reframe it based on complete facts and truth. If you are not sure of something positive to say to yourself, don’t stress about it. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. You can simply say – “I’m not sure what to say right now, and I’m working on it.”

Consider some positive aspects of yourself. What do you like about you? Make a list and keep it nearby so you can consult it when you are struggling with saying something nice and finding the good in yourself. Healing is a process from the inside out.

Be well and stay mindful!