The Power of Validation

The Power of Validation

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Validation has the power to offer acknowledgment, active listening, as well as deeper connections with yourself and your loved ones. When we see, hear, and acknowledge what someone is saying and doing, it offers a light to them that can be uplifting. We all crave attention in various ways and it is nice to be seen by others (and by ourselves) with acceptance and love. Those that have not had much attention, affection, and appreciation often begin to question their worth and value as a person.

Have you heard the story of the professor who offers a $20 bill to his class of students? Of course, when offered a free $20, the whole class raises their hands to get the bill.

The professor proceeds to throw the $20 bill on the ground and stomp on it, speaking abusive comments to it, as well as crumpling/beating up on it. He does this for a little while and then asks if this changes anyone's mind about wanting the $20 bill.

As you may assume, everyone still wanted the abused, beat-up, and battered $20 bill because how the bill was treated did not change it's worth one bit. It was always and still is worth the $20 it is.

This story depicts how, just like the worth of the $20 bill, our value never changes throughout our existence, no matter what happens to us. It helps us to remember that no matter what kinds of abuse we might endure in our lives, our worth and our value never changes.

Would you ever look at a newborn baby and say - you are worthless? Even the baby isn't born thinking this way about him/herself. We are conditioned to believe this through subtle, as well as very direct messaging, from our societal environment. It is our responsibility to catch these old, conditioned patterns and challenge them with more love and compassion for ourselves. We must remind ourselves and each other that we do have worth.

So how can we give ourselves and each other more validation and acknowledgment? First, pay attention! Listen to what is going on within you, while also staying curious about what others are saying, experiencing, and expressing. Listen to truly hear, not just to respond.

Second, repeat back and reflect what you hear the other person saying. In other words, show acknowledgement that what has been said was heard and understood before moving into saying what you need to. For example, “I hear that you are saying…” or “Thanks for sharing your feelings of being frustrated…”

Third, don’t validate something about yourself or someone else that you don’t really believe and don’t have the evidence for. Validation is not about agreement; it’s about taking some time to understand where someone is coming from. Look for commonalities and insight to validate a person’s experiences, as well as their suffering and difficulties.

Lastly, offer kind, acknowledging words to the person. Remember that a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes and are therefore understandable when we listen and look at the big picture.

Don’t forget to give yourself some acknowledgment at times and listen deeply to what your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are saying to you. When we move into a stance of validation, we can begin to build more caring, positive relationships, both inside and outside of ourselves.

Each one of us are valid and full of worth. We are all more than enough, if we could just see past our conditioned patterns. We are all just doing our best, even if our best changes from day-to-day (or even moment-to-moment)! Validation is a powerful tool to build relationships and uplift hearts. Let’s give ourselves and each other more love and care with validation as we each continue to evolve and grow.

Healing From the Inside Out

Healing From the Inside Out

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Our thoughts have a major impact on ourselves and the world around us. What is occurring inside of ourselves is connected to what is happening outside of ourselves. Yet, it is so easy to focus on the outside without as much awareness for what we are experiencing on the inside.

Much scientific research now recognizes that our thoughts are electromagnetic waves that give off frequencies. Thoughts are energy waves. Most of the time, we will notice when someone we love is down on themselves or negative. We can feel it, right? When others are negative, it can affect us. It’s hard to be around that vibration. It’s not easy to be aware of our own choices in thought and understand how our own negativity may affect others, as well as ourselves.

What happens when someone you are close with is negative? How do you cope with it? Does it bring you closer to that person, or farther away? It takes a lot of compassion and love to stay close to someone expressing negative energy. With this understanding, we must work on cultivating positivity, peace and love in our minds. Being kind and compassionate to ourselves radiates an incredibly strong vibration that has a powerful impact on not only ourselves, but the world as a whole.

Sure we are all going to have negative thoughts at times – it’s not easy to regulate our moods and states of mind, not to mention coping with all the difficulties life throws at us. These negative moments provide us practice for identifying the vibration and choosing to be kind to ourselves. When we make a mistake, can we give ourselves love? If we get negative and feel totally irritated and shut off, can we change our mind and bring love into our hearts? Can we change the frequencies of our energy to help ourselves and others around us?

Many experts on the brain have found that we can do just that with practice. But how? We must remember to make attempts at balancing our negative, uncomfortable experiences with more positive ones. First of all, start by exploring your inner world. Ask yourself – how am I speaking to myself in my head? How often am I offering myself a kind, uplifting statement? What really is my relationship with myself? Is there conflict within? What is the nature of the conflict? Why might I give the benefit of the doubt to someone else, but not to myself? What is so different about me that I don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt?

We are all equal – each of us deserving of love, understanding, and compassion. We all need to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. The love and consideration you might give others for a mistake is love; yet, to yourself, you offer scolding and criticism? What kind of vibration does that resonate in your mind and body, as well as in the world?

If you find that you are speaking unkindly to yourself, don’t judge yourself for it. Noticing what exists within is the first step to change it. Once you have identified it, consider what you might say to someone you love in the same situation. Say that same thing to yourself, even if it feels awkward or strange. A positive vibration will feel odd if you haven’t been living in that frequency. Allow yourself time and practice to acclimate to inner kindness. If you notice thoughts countering that kindness, confront them with love and be clear that this way of talking is not healthy and you want it to change. This pattern won’t change overnight, but it will start to show an impact on you and your world.

Remember that we cannot change something that we are not aware of. Work on becoming aware of the thoughts that are unkind to yourself. Notice them without judgment and remind yourself that you are working to shift this dynamic. If you fall back into your old conditioning with negative thoughts about yourself, catch it and reframe it based on complete facts and truth. If you are not sure of something positive to say to yourself, don’t stress about it. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. You can simply say – “I’m not sure what to say right now, and I’m working on it.”

Consider some positive aspects of yourself. What do you like about you? Make a list and keep it nearby so you can consult it when you are struggling with saying something nice and finding the good in yourself. Healing is a process from the inside out.

Be well and stay mindful!

6 Things to Release in 2021

6 Things to Release in 2021

This year has been tough for many of us. It has changed our perception of everything around us, and also within us. I have found it easier this year to look more deeply into myself and assess that which is working and that which is not. It is important to consider aspects of ourselves that do not serve us and that we may be ready to release. It is also normal to find fear or resistance in letting go.

We might notice if something doesn’t serve us, but we don’t know how to let it go or perhaps fear that if we let it go, we won’t feel as protected. That is okay – take it one step at a time. Here are 6 aspects within which we can safely let go and still be protected. Given the crazy year of 2020, these things have been loosened and are now primed for release:

1) Self-doubt – when we question ourselves and doubt our actions or words, we undermine our own confidence. One of the reasons self-doubt exists is because we have been conditioned to second-guess ourselves and look outside of ourselves for truth. Another reason this exists is because someone in your life continued to doubt you, projecting their own self-doubt onto you. If you are doubting yourself, try this exercise. Look deeper and bring in clarity in your mind regarding the competent ways you have addressed your life. Sit with a memory in which you felt confident and clear with your own truth.

2) Self-Sabotage – I find that doubt and low worth of self can often lead to sabotaging of self. Perhaps something is going well and then before you know it, you have not chosen wisely and have messed up a good thing. One of the biggest catalysts to this issue is discomfort with “receiving” and not feeling as though one deserves it. You are worthy of all good things. If life is going well, do you believe you deserve it? Of course you do – everyone does! Imagine one of your best days and receive how wonderful it was without doubting or sabotaging the good. Allow the good to come and live inside your body. As you practice, you will get more and more comfortable.

3) Negative, critical self-talk – This one in particular requires a lot of awareness of thoughts. Those of you who have taken my Actively Letting It Be course recognize that we cannot let go of something if we are not aware that we have it. Once we identify that we are talking negatively to ourselves, we can then work to let it go. But first, we must be compassionate. It is so much easier to listen to our thoughts when we are not judging them. Once that is out of the way, we can listen to our thoughts with more curiosity and intention to transform them. If you catch a negative thought in your mind, great – you are aware of it! What do you want to say instead? Pluck the weed and plant the seed!

4) People-pleasing – We will never be able to please everyone, so we might as well please ourselves. There is a fine line between caring for others and curing them. Often when we are people-pleasing, we are trying to manage others’ feelings and doing our best not to make them feel bad. Since when are emotions so bad to experience? Can’t we all manage our emotions pretty well overall? It’s important to remember that if we are pleasing someone else at the cost of ourselves, we are chipping away at our spirit and not honoring the one true person who has the potential to always be there for you.

5) Fear of failure/success – It seems that the fear of either failure or success is inherently driven by the same issue – insecurity. The fear of failure holds us back from shining out who we are, or sometimes from even trying in the first place. The fear of success is there to remind us that if we do try and we succeed, we might not deserve it or be unable to handle the changes involved with it. Both revolve around insecurity and fear of being capable. Imagine a time when you have failed and how that continued to motivate you to try. Conversely, imagine a time when you succeeded and how you grew as a person and potentially inspired another to take a step forward.

6) Perfectionism – Not one of us is perfect but we often have a perception of others’ perfection. Social media outlets and text messaging offer brief moments into others’ lives, but we aren’t usually offered the ugly, more difficult moments. We all have these moments suggesting that whatever we are viewing as perfect in others’ lives is skewed. There is no perfect, there is only our best with the knowledge that our best changes from each moment to the next.

Be With Diverse Perspectives

Be With Diverse Perspectives

     There is much power in the perspective we assume in all situations.  The more mindful we are about how we are thinking and what we are believing about people, situations, etc., the more power we have to choose and view all perspectives offered with an objective mind and heart.  In the busy movement of our culture, we have lost sight of each other and the importance of understanding and caring for one another. 

     It is time that we learn and practice broadening our idea of each person’s experience and humbly try to wear the shoes of someone else.  It is so easy to cast judgment on another for their difference, because they act in ways with which we do not agree, or look different than ourselves.  We must re-train our brains to build more tolerance to that which we don’t understand and celebrate the beauty of diversity.  It is imperative that each of us stand up for each other to stop oppression and injustice.

     The breath is a great tool for practicing to be with diverse perspectives.  When I stop to take a deep breath, I am already taking time out of the busy-ness of the moment to consider my choices.  Racism, sexism, and any other –isms begin with our thoughts, which have been conditioned by our institutionalized society which is focused on greed and inequities.   We have been conditioned through our basic institutions such as the news media, incarceration statistics, and even our US history educations, to negatively associate color or gender with less intelligence, poor motivation, and/or violent behaviors.  These patterns are lies spread around our society like a virus that is unseen and rarely considered from a white privileged perspective.

     So let’s take a moment and consider a perspective that is diverse from our own.  First, stop and breathe.  Consider what your thoughts are saying about any difference currently happening around you, notice the emotions coming up in your body, and pay attention to where they sit in your body.  We cannot control anyone else but ourselves.  We must be the change that we want to see in the world.  To hold on to judgments and anger about someone’s difference will ultimately only harm ourselves.  Let yourself be with diverse perspectives no matter how foreign, irrational, or strange they may feel.  Everyone has a story and each story has perspective that we can only find when we stop, breathe, let go of our assumptions, and actually listen. 

Cocooning For Change: The 10 C's to building transformation

We are all in such different places during this crisis; some are sheltering at home working, some are out of work, and some are working everyday on the frontlines at our hospitals, food banks, grocery stores, and farms. Regardless of whether you are at home or out in the world, we are all in a place of going within and trying to understand this pandemic and the best and most logical ways to move forward. Here are 10 C’s we are building upon for transformation as a nation, as a world, and as a species:

1) Compassion – Many are realizing just how important empathy and understanding each other really is. We are learning to offer ourselves more love and support while giving it to others. This pandemic is helping us to understand all perspectives from which a person may be experiencing our situation.

2) Care – Many are caring for others intensely right now and giving the shirt off their backs to make sure families don’t go hungry and we are all cared for. With the threat of this virus and its potential impact on our bodies, this is an opportunity to take extra special good care of yourself and everyone around you. We are all the same and every single life matters.

3) Communication – This situation is forcing us to express ourselves in more authentic and open ways. Talk to people you trust who care and express yourself. Also, this is a difficult situation so consider how you are dialoguing with yourself. Ask yourself, “What do I need?” Share your needs with others and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

4) Creativity – We are in a unique situation where we can’t plan our future. Instead of planning, this is the time to dream, to inspire each other, and use our imaginations like never before. Einstein stated that "Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution."

5) Curiosity – Our awe for life and each moment begins to grow. We can begin to get more curious about ourselves and how we think, feel, and behave. The more curious we are, the less judgment we cast. One cannot be curious and judgmental at the same time.

6) Contemplation – This is the time for us to think more deeply about ourselves, our lives, and our relationships. Ask yourself if you have lived and loved as much as you possibly can. What more would you like to do with your life? When we go within, we find more clarity, truth, and understanding.

7) Courage – We are much more vulnerable given the crisis, both individually and socially. To be vulnerable is to be courageous and vice versa. Brene Brown stated that, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.

8) Confidence – In meeting the challenge of this experience, we learn what we are made of and we build strength and resiliency the likes of which we didn’t know we were capable. This in turn builds more self-trust and belief in self and society.

9) Community/Collaboration – There is oneness between us all that we have forgotten. When we remember, we find a world helping each other and collaborating together in unity instead of divisiveness. We learn that the world runs on kindness and love for each other.

10) Connection – How we connect with each other will evolve. Without as much physical touch, we begin to notice the subtle energetic and emotional ways we have been connecting the whole time, under the radar of our consciousness. With this awareness comes an evolution of understanding about the interconnection of everyone and everything in the universe.

Coping with Seasonal Stress and the Holiday Blues: 10 tips to surviving struggles during this festive time

The holidays can bring up a mixed bag of experiences and emotions for many of us. Many feel the joyfulness of giving during the season, excitement at gatherings of friends and families, as well as the beauty of the lights and festivities. At the same time, there is the stress of seeing the high credit card bill after buying presents, the sadness of missing loved ones who have passed, the anxiety of the crowds, and pressure of getting things accomplished by a deadline.

It’s natural that stress will occur when so many emotions are swirling around for all of us. Here is a list of tips to guide you in mindfully surviving the season:

1) Stay in the present moment – In a high stress time (or anytime for that matter), it is grounding and healthy to work on awareness of each moment and the sensations we feel. Sure we must plan ahead, but we must also bring ourselves back to each moment as it is happening and not allow our minds to wonder for long periods in the past or the future. Keep breathing and use your senses to ground you in each moment.

2) Don’t take things personally – Given most of us are feeling more stress during this time of year, it’s easy to feel more sensitive and thus assume that others’ indifferent or cold behavior is about us. When we take things personally, we create doubt about ourselves. Stay clear on what is yours and what is another person’s issue.

3) Live in gratitude – Take note of all of your blessings, from small ones to big ones. When we focus on abundance rather than lack, we generally feel better. Notice when things are going well and how smooth they went.

4) Take one step at a time – Try not to do too many things at once. Choose one task and complete it. Try not to think of the next task as you are completing another. Also try not to jump back and forth from one task to another too often. It’s complicating and overstimulating for our already overstimulated brains!

5) Watch for negative/ineffective thought patterns – As you are living in the present moment, take note of the way you are thinking about your circumstances. How are you imagining the family dinner? Are you building scenarios of what might happen given past events? Notice how you feel when you are thinking negatively about the future. If you start to feel intense emotion, take note of what you were just thinking about and challenge it to be more present-focused, realistic, uplifting, and positive. Try to speak to yourself as you would a friend.

6) Know your audience at gatherings – Be conscious and mindful of who is around when engaging in conversations, particularly around politics, religion, and past experiences. Stay mindful of not engaging in triggering topics that activate the room with conflict. If someone brings up a triggering comment, set your boundary by asking to talk about something else or simply excuse yourself and don’t engage.

7) Bring in the good – We are all so used to focusing on what could go wrong (which is a basic process of evolution and staying alive), we tend to forget about what is going right. Take time to notice as many moments of joy, beauty, love, and lightness as you can. Positive emotions are useful to offset stressful times. Appreciate what these experiences feel like in your body. When we bring in the good, it offsets the blues.

8) Take time for yourself – During the holidays, there is an increase in parties and gatherings that can lead to burn out. Most of us need time to ourselves to process and reflect on social events and stay in balance within. Give yourself a bit of time to relax daily. If you are at a holiday gathering and you are feeling overwhelmed, take a brief walk or find a quiet space for a few minutes and breathe deeply.

9) Take good care of yourself – With all of the yummy food and drink during the holiday season, it’s easy to take a “screw it” attitude with self-care. This is actually the most important time to create moderation and to work on yourself. Be mindful of your choices and try to create balance with exercise, relaxation, deep diaphragmatic breathing, and proper amount of sleep for your body. For those who struggle with addictions, work to increase your support and focus on taking it one day at a time.

10) Try not to resist; practice allowing – It’s easy to resist this time of year, especially if it has negative connotations for you with stress, family quarrels, grief, and/or overwhelm. People talk about “getting through the holidays” or state, “When the holidays are over, I’ll feel better.” Try to go with the flow and allow each moment, each day to pass with a practice of care for yourself, dropping the resistance of the holidays. They are going to come every single year, whether you like it or not, so why not welcome them?

Have questions? Contact Dr. Lisa at 303-514-4058 or email her at drlisatempleton@yahoo.com