Being Gentle with Self and Others

Being Gentle with Self and Others

by Dr. Lisa Templeton

Gentleness can seem a difficult path in such a harsh, overstimulating, and critical world. It feels so much easier to withdraw, isolate, create walls, and harden to the environment around and within us. It takes courage to be gentle and to step outside of what we have deemed safe and comfortable. To understand this softened energy, let’s consider what gentleness is not. Gentleness is not a weakness. It is not letting people walk all over you or using “kid gloves” with others. It is not managing others’ emotions or trying to force a situation. Being gentle is not an opening that leaves you vulnerable and potentially hurt. It is a strength of courage that brings about more empowerment and lightness.

To be gentle opens the path for great wisdom and awareness to show itself around the hardened parts of others and within ourselves; these parts that we continue to conflict with or rub against in an uncomfortable way. Gentleness is encompassed with kindness, compassion, and understanding. There is an awareness of the circumstances, environment, and situation at hand. Gentleness is aware of the big picture and all that is around it. Consider the gentleness of a deer – aware and alert, yet poised, calm, and peaceful. This energy teaches us to remember to be tender with ourselves and others. To be gentle is to offer true care, nurturing, and love to ourselves and to others. Every single one of us needs to be cared for and to care for ourselves.

The world may look bleak filled with people who don't care, but this is not true. Human behavior does not depict an individual’s inner thoughts very well. Some behaviors seem to convey a lack of care on the outside, with a sort of indifference, but deeply within they are extremely overwhelmed, hardened, traumatized, and afraid. We must be the change we want to see and soften the hard edges within us. Remember that this practice, in turn, provides comfort and inspiration in a difficult world that often comes with a lot of pain and suffering.

Gentleness isn’t being a push over to those who are hurting others. It recognizes that hurt people lash out at others and try to gain control through overpowering others. Gentleness involves a fierce nature that doesn’t attach to the hard, harsh nature of hate, fear, and judgment. A softer energy offers a deeper awareness of when we are being harmed and how to set a clear boundary, step away, and hold true to our values of care and love that exist moreso in our world than we realize. Gentleness doesn’t make you weak, it actually strengthens your sense of oneness and love.

Take a few moments right now to tap into gentleness. If we see others and their hard ways feeling pokey and distressing, practice meeting that with care, love, and compassion - with a gentle awareness. Take a deep breath. Notice your body. Pay attention to your heart and set an intention to soften your heart first with yourself and then with others. Check in with your torso, your stomach, hips, arms, and legs. See if you can breathe into any tight space you notice. If you have pain somewhere, give it care and attention. As Rumi stated, “Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.” When we offer a gentle mindful eye to the hardened, hurt places, we find the light within ourselves and in each and every one of us.

Breathe in deeply and exhale. Allow your whole body to relax all at once. Try to offer a gentleness when regarding and attending to your body. Remember that there is an honor in having this body, as hard as it is to maintain and care for. Give gratitude to your body and your mind and set an intention to be gentler with yourself in your dialogue, as well as with your body and the choices you make. Start within and then consider how you might soften with others in your life. Each moment is an opportunity to soften our hearts and open our minds to the care we all crave so deeply.

Befriending Our Anxiety

Befriending Our Anxiety

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Our emotions have much to offer us in wisdom and direction; we only need to practice listening more deeply when they arise. Anxiety is an emotion that can be very uncomfortable inconvenient. Our initial instinct when anxiety comes up is to fight the tension and try to get rid of it. Many of us push away and/or judge anxiety when it shows up in our experience.

Shifting our perspective on anxiety can be very helpful. Can you work toward more connection with this experience? Why not welcome in the anxiety, listen to it, and observe it? What could happen if we befriended our anxiety? As Rumi writes of emotions in his poem, The Guest House, “Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house of its furniture - still, treat each guest honorably.”

Although we can feel as though certain emotions wipe us out and can be incredibly overwhelming at times. These difficult times will eventually abate and other, lighter, emotions move into the mix. Our entire life is a waxing and waning of emotions. We might as well befriend them, especially the ones we have been conditioned to judge so harshly and quickly.

It is quite possible that our anxiety might have important wisdom to communicate. All we need to do is to stop, look, and listen to what is going on within us – without judgment. With this present moment awareness, we are a bit more open and malleable to shift our own mind. As we shift our mind, our perception transforms to see a broadened truth. Here are 5 tips to aid you in shifting your perspective and working to befriend your anxiety:

1) Recognize that anxiety is not your enemy – there is nothing to fear with anxiety, it’s just uncomfortable. Anxiety cannot harm you or overtake you unless you allow it to. This lies in our perception and choices. Our anxiety may not seem like a friend, possibly because neither of you have ever been very friendly with each other. If you treat someone like your enemy, and push them away, you will create more separation and conflictual energy. Approach anxiety like a friend who wants to support you and offer help, but maybe doesn’t really know how just yet.

2) Use your imagination to personify your anxiety - try imagining your anxiety as a person. How are you relating? How is your anxiety relating to you? Assess this relationship from a neutral place. Perhaps you notice a thought like, “I don’t want this anxiety, get away, I shouldn’t feel this.” Consider how you might feel if someone spoke to you in this way? No one deserves to be pushed away or judged negatively. If you tell it to go away when it shows up, there is more conflictual energy and the whole exchange is even less comfortable. When you change how you relate with your anxiety, your anxiety can then shift how it is relating with you.

3) Be a good friend – consider the qualities of a good friend. Someone who is caring and compassionate. Someone who sees, hears, and acknowledges us while also working to uplift and offer us hope in times of struggle. A good friend will honor us and also set boundaries and be direct as needed to nurture both you and themselves. Consider what you look for in a friend and do your best to be that person in relationship with your anxiety. If you fall back into old ways of relating – mindfully slow down, apologize and offer care.

4) Teach your anxiety how you want to be treated – Consider what you might like to hear from a friend and how you would speak to them. Work to create that kind of dialogue in your own mind. Try saying something nice when you are feeling anxious or perhaps speak some truth around reasons why anxiety might be there to offer understanding and compassion. What might anxiety be communicating? What are you communicating back? How we talk to each other either creates or dissolves a friendship. How do you react internally to your anxiety when you notice this feeling? Is there compassion and understanding, or judgment and criticism? The more aware we are of our inner dialogue, the more we can listen and set boundaries on how we want and don’t want to be treated.

5) Spend time with your friend. We can often live only in our minds, thinking a lot about everything. Emotions live in our bodies, so if you want to visit with anxiety, you need to feel into where anxiety lives in your body. We must stop and feel in order to deeply listen. In this moment, take a nice deep breath and listen to locate where anxiety shows up in your physical body. For some, anxiety shows up in the stomach area; for others, it is in the heart or throat. It may even change where it lives each time you listen in. Perhaps you don’t notice it at all right now. Set an intention to notice more. No matter what you notice, make attempts to spend good quality time with anxiety, offering it deep breaths, compassion, understanding, and unconditional love.

Broadening Our Minds and Creating Unity with Dialectical Thinking

Broadening Our Minds and Creating Unity with Dialectical Thinking

By:  Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

     Dialectical thinking is an understanding that the extreme of both sides, along with all that happens in between, have merit.  This form of thinking offers a “both/and” approach rather than an “either/or” take on a situation or a person.  When you take on a “both/and” perspective, you can stay aware of the truth behind each person’s life experience, relationships, traumas, mental/physical health, and cultural/community that influences beliefs and choices.  

     As humans, we don’t fit into boxes; we are way more complex than that.  We come in all shapes, sizes, and colors and we need to be able to see the middle areas amidst the extremes, the context of the whole.  Each person is likely both good and bad, not good or bad.  One person is not right or wrong; they can be both right and wrong.  Right in some ways and wrong in others, good in some ways and bad in others.  When we embrace these aspects of ourselves and everyone around us, we begin to expand and broaden our way of thinking and get out of the box of duality and polaristic thinking that limits our perception of each other.

     In my work and in my own experience, I often observe polarized ways of thinking such as, “I’m not good enough” or “I am a failure” or “I can’t do this” or even “I’m a terrible person for thinking this”, “If only everyone really knew me, they wouldn’t want me.”  If not focused on ourselves, we can focus on others and what they are doing wrong.  Thoughts such as “I hate republicans/democrats” or “He/she doesn’t care about me” or “All anti/pro vax people are selfish” or comparing ourselves to others with thoughts like, “How come that person has more than me?” or “I do everything around here” or “Why does this person think they are so great?”  These types of thoughts create more separation between each extreme and the perspective focuses on “either/or” instead of “both/and.” 

     It takes a lot more work to unbelieve something than it takes to initially come to believe it.   If we rush to a quick conclusion of “either/or” and don’t consider all the alternative perspectives of a situation, we can get caught up in our own bias.  We must learn to challenge our thoughts and our perspective with more logic, curiosity, and compassion.  Only then can we create more space for unity in the world.

  The place to begin is within.  Practice noticing the ways in which you are seeing things in an extreme way – from good/bad, constricted/free, right/wrong, right/left, beautiful/ugly, and success/failure.  Remember the context of what is going on around you and consider alternatives to your own initial assumptions.  Look for what you might be missing.  Is there another possible way to perceive the situation?   

     This article is a call to action for us all to create unity in the world with more dialectical thinking.  If we can notice these polarized thoughts with non-judgmental awareness, we can begin to expand the whole and create more dialectical perceptions within our minds. This way of thinking aids us to combat limited perceptions and continued divisions in the world.  When we make attempts to think in this manner, we can broaden our perspective of the world. 

     This is not an easy practice by any means, yet it is vital to find some sort of unity within ourselves and each other.  Take a “both/and” approach considering that there can be multiple truths to a situation depending on one’s perspective.  Start within by observing your own perspective and work to broaden it.  With more practice on dialectical thinking comes more compassion, love, balance, logic, truth, and unity in our minds and in our world.

How to Be Present On The Go

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

We are not human doings; we are human beings. We all need to learn to train our brain how to slow down and practice being in the midst of doing. The pandemic offered lessons in this, but it may take time to process. As we are opening back up, down time is not given to us – we must make time for it and remember that we deserve it. When we intentionally and mindfully take steps to slow down, we start to experience ourselves, even in the midst of doing. We need to be present and in the moment, grateful for our surroundings, while staying kind and loving toward ourselves.

Eleanor Brownn, an American novelist, stated, “Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” When you take time for yourself, you can fill yourself up and it gives you more to give to others. We need to care for ourselves just as we care for our children. What a great model we can be to teach our children self-love, kindness, boundaries and balance.

Here are some suggestions to aid you in slowing down and increasing your self-care:

1) Make a plan to slow down and meditate each day – start with just 1-2 minutes and work up to 5 minutes. Focus in on one stimulus, either inside or outside of yourself (i.e., your breath, the clock ticking, birds singing, or your inner left top rib) and continue working to stay there – moving back to your object of focus when you get distracted. A focusing meditation is not about not being distracted, it’s about how you remind yourself to come back once you are distracted. Practice staying in the moment for as long as possible, even if it’s just a few seconds. Also, remember that there is no place for judgment here, even with loads of distractions while you meditate. You succeed when you try.

2) Let your loved ones know of your plan for self-care and ask that they respect that time you are taking for yourself.

3) Take deep breaths often throughout the day to help ground yourself and slow down, even for a brief couple of minutes. Take a quick sabbatical a few times a day to replenish yourself.

4) Identify what makes you happy and do what you love! Take 15-30 minutes to partake in something you really enjoy every day. It doesn’t take up that much time to rejuvenate ourselves. Also, surround yourself with what you think is beautiful. Try to notice beautiful things throughout the day. If you can’t get to those happy, beautiful things - imagine them. Take 5 minutes to go to a beautiful place in your head and breathe easy and slow. If you notice judgment while doing this – thoughts such as, “I shouldn’t be taking time for myself” or “my mind is moving around too much” – gently shift yourself back and remind yourself that you are replenishing yourself in order to give to others.

5) Practice presence – feel your body, your senses, and notice what it feels like. The moment you realize that you are not present is when you are back! Shift yourself back to the moment as often as you can. This will take practice – the more you practice, the easier this becomes. When you find you are not in the present moment, gently bring yourself back without any judgment.

6) Try being in the moment and breathing while doing general household tasks or other work – check in with yourself and be a friend to yourself. Notice what it feels like for you to unload the dishwasher, take a walk, or to play with your kids. They are so present and in the moment (especially when young) – draw from their experience and learn from them.

7) Be grateful everyday for the blessings in your life. Review the things you are grateful for daily with an open heart.

8) Communicate your needs to your spouse/family – if you need help, please ask for it. We are not meant to do everything on our own – ask for help in caring for yourself. Taking some down time is not selfish. Set a boundary when needed – this can be done in a loving way – just identify what you need and share it with others.

To be present with yourself is to promote healing and positive energy to all those around you. Give yourself the gift of presence – focus on you for a time and find how you can really enhance your life and your relationships. Be with whatever you notice and unveil a garden of beauty within yourself. The next time you catch yourself moving too fast - breathe and practice slowing down. We can only slow down with practice and patience. Be with your thoughts, your body, your mind, and your spirit.

Feel and experience your world and your senses more fully by opening up to the power of the present moment and the excitement of all life. We are free to choose in every moment. Fill yourself up – as only you can meet this need for yourself – no one else can. Be a friend to yourself and feel that self-love pour out to all those around you.