Being Gentle with Self and Others

Being Gentle with Self and Others

by Dr. Lisa Templeton

Gentleness can seem a difficult path in such a harsh, overstimulating, and critical world. It feels so much easier to withdraw, isolate, create walls, and harden to the environment around and within us. It takes courage to be gentle and to step outside of what we have deemed safe and comfortable. To understand this softened energy, let’s consider what gentleness is not. Gentleness is not a weakness. It is not letting people walk all over you or using “kid gloves” with others. It is not managing others’ emotions or trying to force a situation. Being gentle is not an opening that leaves you vulnerable and potentially hurt. It is a strength of courage that brings about more empowerment and lightness.

To be gentle opens the path for great wisdom and awareness to show itself around the hardened parts of others and within ourselves; these parts that we continue to conflict with or rub against in an uncomfortable way. Gentleness is encompassed with kindness, compassion, and understanding. There is an awareness of the circumstances, environment, and situation at hand. Gentleness is aware of the big picture and all that is around it. Consider the gentleness of a deer – aware and alert, yet poised, calm, and peaceful. This energy teaches us to remember to be tender with ourselves and others. To be gentle is to offer true care, nurturing, and love to ourselves and to others. Every single one of us needs to be cared for and to care for ourselves.

The world may look bleak filled with people who don't care, but this is not true. Human behavior does not depict an individual’s inner thoughts very well. Some behaviors seem to convey a lack of care on the outside, with a sort of indifference, but deeply within they are extremely overwhelmed, hardened, traumatized, and afraid. We must be the change we want to see and soften the hard edges within us. Remember that this practice, in turn, provides comfort and inspiration in a difficult world that often comes with a lot of pain and suffering.

Gentleness isn’t being a push over to those who are hurting others. It recognizes that hurt people lash out at others and try to gain control through overpowering others. Gentleness involves a fierce nature that doesn’t attach to the hard, harsh nature of hate, fear, and judgment. A softer energy offers a deeper awareness of when we are being harmed and how to set a clear boundary, step away, and hold true to our values of care and love that exist moreso in our world than we realize. Gentleness doesn’t make you weak, it actually strengthens your sense of oneness and love.

Take a few moments right now to tap into gentleness. If we see others and their hard ways feeling pokey and distressing, practice meeting that with care, love, and compassion - with a gentle awareness. Take a deep breath. Notice your body. Pay attention to your heart and set an intention to soften your heart first with yourself and then with others. Check in with your torso, your stomach, hips, arms, and legs. See if you can breathe into any tight space you notice. If you have pain somewhere, give it care and attention. As Rumi stated, “Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.” When we offer a gentle mindful eye to the hardened, hurt places, we find the light within ourselves and in each and every one of us.

Breathe in deeply and exhale. Allow your whole body to relax all at once. Try to offer a gentleness when regarding and attending to your body. Remember that there is an honor in having this body, as hard as it is to maintain and care for. Give gratitude to your body and your mind and set an intention to be gentler with yourself in your dialogue, as well as with your body and the choices you make. Start within and then consider how you might soften with others in your life. Each moment is an opportunity to soften our hearts and open our minds to the care we all crave so deeply.

Creating the Energy of Peace Within

By: Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Peace starts with yourself and grows. Albert Einstein stated, “Mere praise of peace is easy and ineffective. What is needed is active participation in the fight against war and everything which leads to it.” Conflict, judgment, blame, jealousy, and shame are primary ingredients that lead to war. Unfortunately, these energies are strewn all over our society – amongst social media, in our office settings, our churches, our families, friendships, and even in our relationship to ourselves. In order to create peace in the world, we must work to create peace within ourselves.

To practice living in the energy of peace, take an honest, loving, and compassionate look within and slow down to listen to the dialogue and thought patterns running through our minds. Literally, think about what you are thinking about. Stop and take notice of any conflict, judgment, or blame within, perhaps as a result of a mistake you made, or not feeling good enough. Consider how you might feel if someone else said the same thing you are saying to yourself. How would you feel?

Many of us don’t have the same reaction to our own abusive thoughts as we would from others externally. This leads me to conclude that many are numb and not aware of how their internal thoughts are impacting how they perceive the world and themselves. We cannot allow ourselves to be desensitized to violence and abuse within ourselves. We must listen to what we hear, the negative words, the energy of judgment, and meet it with more curiosity, understanding, unconditional love, and compassion.

We are living in a society that does not offer much power to the people. We must take our power back and exercise the sovereignty of our minds. Listen very closely and remember that any thought you have doesn’t have to be who you are. If you don’t like it, change it, root it out, and plant more positive affirmations, more truthful, compassionate, and understanding statements to yourself. If you notice an inner judgment, speak kindly to it and let it know that those words hurt, and you don’t want to engage with that energy any longer. Set an intention to practice more peace.

If we want peace, we must meet up with the conflictual parts of ourselves and teach these parts more about the characteristics of peace – understanding, clear communication, unconditional love, and acknowledgment, along with a softness, a spaciousness, and a quiet calm that lives within ourselves. We each have the power to own and transform how we are relating to ourselves, especially if we listen and explore our inner landscape. As we each actively participate in this practice, the ripples of peace will grow in our lives and in our world.

The Power of Validation

The Power of Validation

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Validation has the power to offer acknowledgment, active listening, as well as deeper connections with yourself and your loved ones. When we see, hear, and acknowledge what someone is saying and doing, it offers a light to them that can be uplifting. We all crave attention in various ways and it is nice to be seen by others (and by ourselves) with acceptance and love. Those that have not had much attention, affection, and appreciation often begin to question their worth and value as a person.

Have you heard the story of the professor who offers a $20 bill to his class of students? Of course, when offered a free $20, the whole class raises their hands to get the bill.

The professor proceeds to throw the $20 bill on the ground and stomp on it, speaking abusive comments to it, as well as crumpling/beating up on it. He does this for a little while and then asks if this changes anyone's mind about wanting the $20 bill.

As you may assume, everyone still wanted the abused, beat-up, and battered $20 bill because how the bill was treated did not change it's worth one bit. It was always and still is worth the $20 it is.

This story depicts how, just like the worth of the $20 bill, our value never changes throughout our existence, no matter what happens to us. It helps us to remember that no matter what kinds of abuse we might endure in our lives, our worth and our value never changes.

Would you ever look at a newborn baby and say - you are worthless? Even the baby isn't born thinking this way about him/herself. We are conditioned to believe this through subtle, as well as very direct messaging, from our societal environment. It is our responsibility to catch these old, conditioned patterns and challenge them with more love and compassion for ourselves. We must remind ourselves and each other that we do have worth.

So how can we give ourselves and each other more validation and acknowledgment? First, pay attention! Listen to what is going on within you, while also staying curious about what others are saying, experiencing, and expressing. Listen to truly hear, not just to respond.

Second, repeat back and reflect what you hear the other person saying. In other words, show acknowledgement that what has been said was heard and understood before moving into saying what you need to. For example, “I hear that you are saying…” or “Thanks for sharing your feelings of being frustrated…”

Third, don’t validate something about yourself or someone else that you don’t really believe and don’t have the evidence for. Validation is not about agreement; it’s about taking some time to understand where someone is coming from. Look for commonalities and insight to validate a person’s experiences, as well as their suffering and difficulties.

Lastly, offer kind, acknowledging words to the person. Remember that a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes and are therefore understandable when we listen and look at the big picture.

Don’t forget to give yourself some acknowledgment at times and listen deeply to what your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are saying to you. When we move into a stance of validation, we can begin to build more caring, positive relationships, both inside and outside of ourselves.

Each one of us are valid and full of worth. We are all more than enough, if we could just see past our conditioned patterns. We are all just doing our best, even if our best changes from day-to-day (or even moment-to-moment)! Validation is a powerful tool to build relationships and uplift hearts. Let’s give ourselves and each other more love and care with validation as we each continue to evolve and grow.

Befriending Our Anxiety

Befriending Our Anxiety

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Our emotions have much to offer us in wisdom and direction; we only need to practice listening more deeply when they arise. Anxiety is an emotion that can be very uncomfortable inconvenient. Our initial instinct when anxiety comes up is to fight the tension and try to get rid of it. Many of us push away and/or judge anxiety when it shows up in our experience.

Shifting our perspective on anxiety can be very helpful. Can you work toward more connection with this experience? Why not welcome in the anxiety, listen to it, and observe it? What could happen if we befriended our anxiety? As Rumi writes of emotions in his poem, The Guest House, “Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house of its furniture - still, treat each guest honorably.”

Although we can feel as though certain emotions wipe us out and can be incredibly overwhelming at times. These difficult times will eventually abate and other, lighter, emotions move into the mix. Our entire life is a waxing and waning of emotions. We might as well befriend them, especially the ones we have been conditioned to judge so harshly and quickly.

It is quite possible that our anxiety might have important wisdom to communicate. All we need to do is to stop, look, and listen to what is going on within us – without judgment. With this present moment awareness, we are a bit more open and malleable to shift our own mind. As we shift our mind, our perception transforms to see a broadened truth. Here are 5 tips to aid you in shifting your perspective and working to befriend your anxiety:

1) Recognize that anxiety is not your enemy – there is nothing to fear with anxiety, it’s just uncomfortable. Anxiety cannot harm you or overtake you unless you allow it to. This lies in our perception and choices. Our anxiety may not seem like a friend, possibly because neither of you have ever been very friendly with each other. If you treat someone like your enemy, and push them away, you will create more separation and conflictual energy. Approach anxiety like a friend who wants to support you and offer help, but maybe doesn’t really know how just yet.

2) Use your imagination to personify your anxiety - try imagining your anxiety as a person. How are you relating? How is your anxiety relating to you? Assess this relationship from a neutral place. Perhaps you notice a thought like, “I don’t want this anxiety, get away, I shouldn’t feel this.” Consider how you might feel if someone spoke to you in this way? No one deserves to be pushed away or judged negatively. If you tell it to go away when it shows up, there is more conflictual energy and the whole exchange is even less comfortable. When you change how you relate with your anxiety, your anxiety can then shift how it is relating with you.

3) Be a good friend – consider the qualities of a good friend. Someone who is caring and compassionate. Someone who sees, hears, and acknowledges us while also working to uplift and offer us hope in times of struggle. A good friend will honor us and also set boundaries and be direct as needed to nurture both you and themselves. Consider what you look for in a friend and do your best to be that person in relationship with your anxiety. If you fall back into old ways of relating – mindfully slow down, apologize and offer care.

4) Teach your anxiety how you want to be treated – Consider what you might like to hear from a friend and how you would speak to them. Work to create that kind of dialogue in your own mind. Try saying something nice when you are feeling anxious or perhaps speak some truth around reasons why anxiety might be there to offer understanding and compassion. What might anxiety be communicating? What are you communicating back? How we talk to each other either creates or dissolves a friendship. How do you react internally to your anxiety when you notice this feeling? Is there compassion and understanding, or judgment and criticism? The more aware we are of our inner dialogue, the more we can listen and set boundaries on how we want and don’t want to be treated.

5) Spend time with your friend. We can often live only in our minds, thinking a lot about everything. Emotions live in our bodies, so if you want to visit with anxiety, you need to feel into where anxiety lives in your body. We must stop and feel in order to deeply listen. In this moment, take a nice deep breath and listen to locate where anxiety shows up in your physical body. For some, anxiety shows up in the stomach area; for others, it is in the heart or throat. It may even change where it lives each time you listen in. Perhaps you don’t notice it at all right now. Set an intention to notice more. No matter what you notice, make attempts to spend good quality time with anxiety, offering it deep breaths, compassion, understanding, and unconditional love.

Broadening Our Minds and Creating Unity with Dialectical Thinking

Broadening Our Minds and Creating Unity with Dialectical Thinking

By:  Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

     Dialectical thinking is an understanding that the extreme of both sides, along with all that happens in between, have merit.  This form of thinking offers a “both/and” approach rather than an “either/or” take on a situation or a person.  When you take on a “both/and” perspective, you can stay aware of the truth behind each person’s life experience, relationships, traumas, mental/physical health, and cultural/community that influences beliefs and choices.  

     As humans, we don’t fit into boxes; we are way more complex than that.  We come in all shapes, sizes, and colors and we need to be able to see the middle areas amidst the extremes, the context of the whole.  Each person is likely both good and bad, not good or bad.  One person is not right or wrong; they can be both right and wrong.  Right in some ways and wrong in others, good in some ways and bad in others.  When we embrace these aspects of ourselves and everyone around us, we begin to expand and broaden our way of thinking and get out of the box of duality and polaristic thinking that limits our perception of each other.

     In my work and in my own experience, I often observe polarized ways of thinking such as, “I’m not good enough” or “I am a failure” or “I can’t do this” or even “I’m a terrible person for thinking this”, “If only everyone really knew me, they wouldn’t want me.”  If not focused on ourselves, we can focus on others and what they are doing wrong.  Thoughts such as “I hate republicans/democrats” or “He/she doesn’t care about me” or “All anti/pro vax people are selfish” or comparing ourselves to others with thoughts like, “How come that person has more than me?” or “I do everything around here” or “Why does this person think they are so great?”  These types of thoughts create more separation between each extreme and the perspective focuses on “either/or” instead of “both/and.” 

     It takes a lot more work to unbelieve something than it takes to initially come to believe it.   If we rush to a quick conclusion of “either/or” and don’t consider all the alternative perspectives of a situation, we can get caught up in our own bias.  We must learn to challenge our thoughts and our perspective with more logic, curiosity, and compassion.  Only then can we create more space for unity in the world.

  The place to begin is within.  Practice noticing the ways in which you are seeing things in an extreme way – from good/bad, constricted/free, right/wrong, right/left, beautiful/ugly, and success/failure.  Remember the context of what is going on around you and consider alternatives to your own initial assumptions.  Look for what you might be missing.  Is there another possible way to perceive the situation?   

     This article is a call to action for us all to create unity in the world with more dialectical thinking.  If we can notice these polarized thoughts with non-judgmental awareness, we can begin to expand the whole and create more dialectical perceptions within our minds. This way of thinking aids us to combat limited perceptions and continued divisions in the world.  When we make attempts to think in this manner, we can broaden our perspective of the world. 

     This is not an easy practice by any means, yet it is vital to find some sort of unity within ourselves and each other.  Take a “both/and” approach considering that there can be multiple truths to a situation depending on one’s perspective.  Start within by observing your own perspective and work to broaden it.  With more practice on dialectical thinking comes more compassion, love, balance, logic, truth, and unity in our minds and in our world.

How to Be Present On The Go

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

We are not human doings; we are human beings. We all need to learn to train our brain how to slow down and practice being in the midst of doing. The pandemic offered lessons in this, but it may take time to process. As we are opening back up, down time is not given to us – we must make time for it and remember that we deserve it. When we intentionally and mindfully take steps to slow down, we start to experience ourselves, even in the midst of doing. We need to be present and in the moment, grateful for our surroundings, while staying kind and loving toward ourselves.

Eleanor Brownn, an American novelist, stated, “Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” When you take time for yourself, you can fill yourself up and it gives you more to give to others. We need to care for ourselves just as we care for our children. What a great model we can be to teach our children self-love, kindness, boundaries and balance.

Here are some suggestions to aid you in slowing down and increasing your self-care:

1) Make a plan to slow down and meditate each day – start with just 1-2 minutes and work up to 5 minutes. Focus in on one stimulus, either inside or outside of yourself (i.e., your breath, the clock ticking, birds singing, or your inner left top rib) and continue working to stay there – moving back to your object of focus when you get distracted. A focusing meditation is not about not being distracted, it’s about how you remind yourself to come back once you are distracted. Practice staying in the moment for as long as possible, even if it’s just a few seconds. Also, remember that there is no place for judgment here, even with loads of distractions while you meditate. You succeed when you try.

2) Let your loved ones know of your plan for self-care and ask that they respect that time you are taking for yourself.

3) Take deep breaths often throughout the day to help ground yourself and slow down, even for a brief couple of minutes. Take a quick sabbatical a few times a day to replenish yourself.

4) Identify what makes you happy and do what you love! Take 15-30 minutes to partake in something you really enjoy every day. It doesn’t take up that much time to rejuvenate ourselves. Also, surround yourself with what you think is beautiful. Try to notice beautiful things throughout the day. If you can’t get to those happy, beautiful things - imagine them. Take 5 minutes to go to a beautiful place in your head and breathe easy and slow. If you notice judgment while doing this – thoughts such as, “I shouldn’t be taking time for myself” or “my mind is moving around too much” – gently shift yourself back and remind yourself that you are replenishing yourself in order to give to others.

5) Practice presence – feel your body, your senses, and notice what it feels like. The moment you realize that you are not present is when you are back! Shift yourself back to the moment as often as you can. This will take practice – the more you practice, the easier this becomes. When you find you are not in the present moment, gently bring yourself back without any judgment.

6) Try being in the moment and breathing while doing general household tasks or other work – check in with yourself and be a friend to yourself. Notice what it feels like for you to unload the dishwasher, take a walk, or to play with your kids. They are so present and in the moment (especially when young) – draw from their experience and learn from them.

7) Be grateful everyday for the blessings in your life. Review the things you are grateful for daily with an open heart.

8) Communicate your needs to your spouse/family – if you need help, please ask for it. We are not meant to do everything on our own – ask for help in caring for yourself. Taking some down time is not selfish. Set a boundary when needed – this can be done in a loving way – just identify what you need and share it with others.

To be present with yourself is to promote healing and positive energy to all those around you. Give yourself the gift of presence – focus on you for a time and find how you can really enhance your life and your relationships. Be with whatever you notice and unveil a garden of beauty within yourself. The next time you catch yourself moving too fast - breathe and practice slowing down. We can only slow down with practice and patience. Be with your thoughts, your body, your mind, and your spirit.

Feel and experience your world and your senses more fully by opening up to the power of the present moment and the excitement of all life. We are free to choose in every moment. Fill yourself up – as only you can meet this need for yourself – no one else can. Be a friend to yourself and feel that self-love pour out to all those around you.

Healing From the Inside Out

Healing From the Inside Out

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

Our thoughts have a major impact on ourselves and the world around us. What is occurring inside of ourselves is connected to what is happening outside of ourselves. Yet, it is so easy to focus on the outside without as much awareness for what we are experiencing on the inside.

Much scientific research now recognizes that our thoughts are electromagnetic waves that give off frequencies. Thoughts are energy waves. Most of the time, we will notice when someone we love is down on themselves or negative. We can feel it, right? When others are negative, it can affect us. It’s hard to be around that vibration. It’s not easy to be aware of our own choices in thought and understand how our own negativity may affect others, as well as ourselves.

What happens when someone you are close with is negative? How do you cope with it? Does it bring you closer to that person, or farther away? It takes a lot of compassion and love to stay close to someone expressing negative energy. With this understanding, we must work on cultivating positivity, peace and love in our minds. Being kind and compassionate to ourselves radiates an incredibly strong vibration that has a powerful impact on not only ourselves, but the world as a whole.

Sure we are all going to have negative thoughts at times – it’s not easy to regulate our moods and states of mind, not to mention coping with all the difficulties life throws at us. These negative moments provide us practice for identifying the vibration and choosing to be kind to ourselves. When we make a mistake, can we give ourselves love? If we get negative and feel totally irritated and shut off, can we change our mind and bring love into our hearts? Can we change the frequencies of our energy to help ourselves and others around us?

Many experts on the brain have found that we can do just that with practice. But how? We must remember to make attempts at balancing our negative, uncomfortable experiences with more positive ones. First of all, start by exploring your inner world. Ask yourself – how am I speaking to myself in my head? How often am I offering myself a kind, uplifting statement? What really is my relationship with myself? Is there conflict within? What is the nature of the conflict? Why might I give the benefit of the doubt to someone else, but not to myself? What is so different about me that I don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt?

We are all equal – each of us deserving of love, understanding, and compassion. We all need to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. The love and consideration you might give others for a mistake is love; yet, to yourself, you offer scolding and criticism? What kind of vibration does that resonate in your mind and body, as well as in the world?

If you find that you are speaking unkindly to yourself, don’t judge yourself for it. Noticing what exists within is the first step to change it. Once you have identified it, consider what you might say to someone you love in the same situation. Say that same thing to yourself, even if it feels awkward or strange. A positive vibration will feel odd if you haven’t been living in that frequency. Allow yourself time and practice to acclimate to inner kindness. If you notice thoughts countering that kindness, confront them with love and be clear that this way of talking is not healthy and you want it to change. This pattern won’t change overnight, but it will start to show an impact on you and your world.

Remember that we cannot change something that we are not aware of. Work on becoming aware of the thoughts that are unkind to yourself. Notice them without judgment and remind yourself that you are working to shift this dynamic. If you fall back into your old conditioning with negative thoughts about yourself, catch it and reframe it based on complete facts and truth. If you are not sure of something positive to say to yourself, don’t stress about it. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. You can simply say – “I’m not sure what to say right now, and I’m working on it.”

Consider some positive aspects of yourself. What do you like about you? Make a list and keep it nearby so you can consult it when you are struggling with saying something nice and finding the good in yourself. Healing is a process from the inside out.

Be well and stay mindful!

Finding Internal Freedom

By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.

This pandemic has transformed our lives in various ways. Consequently, we all crave a sense of freedom, although our perceptions of freedom may vary. Merriam-Webster’s definition of freedom is the quality or state of being free relating to 1) The absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action; and 2) Liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another.

This definition does not include our internal world and the ways we move into conflict with ourselves at times. These inner relations impact our perception, and subsequently, our mental health. Let’s work to create more internal freedom and address parts of ourselves that continue to limit our power.

At present, our moving freely about in the world may be limited, but our internal freedom is always readily available to us. We have a choice to perceive our world with more truth and harmony. William Faulkner wrote, “We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.” In order to perceive our world from a broadened, more truthful perspective, we need to practice listening for times when we feel coerced or constrained from within ourselves.

Instead of judging what we notice, we take notice of what we find in the core beliefs about ourselves and our freedoms. A bridge of compassion is available to offer a connection between the two belief systems if we hold them and weigh them with conscious awareness. This will guide us to stop going down the old paths of conditioned patterns.

The liberty to sit comfortably within ourselves is the ultimate freedom. When we can make mistakes, feel emotional, uncomfortable, or unproductive without repercussions or judgment, we are practicing freedom. When we can truly talk to ourselves about what we need and meet those needs with kindness and understanding, we are practicing freedom. True autonomy lies within ourselves, a heart openness that draws on the strength of vulnerability, compassion, and unconditional love – from the inside out.

Have you ever experienced a relationship in your life when you feel fully accepted and loved without any expectations or judgments? Perhaps it is a person, or maybe a pet, as they radiate such unconditional love. Notice the feeling you have when you consider being fully accepted. You can do no wrong, the only expectation is to just do your best at all times – with an understanding that your best will continue to change moment-to-moment. When we perceive ourselves in this way, we are practicing freedom.

We can lock ourselves up in unconscious chains if we don’t stop and notice how it is we are handling and relating to ourselves. To have internal freedom means that you have a friend within who will always have your back; hence, you have the freedom to unapologetically be who you are, both internally and externally.

Keep practicing these steps! The first step is to notice how you relate with yourself without judgment. Second, set an intention to continue observing whatever comes up with recognition of the context and bigger picture to elicit compassion and understanding. Third, keep an eye on patterns that might be associated with negative feelings. Work on weeding the garden of your mind daily, staying mindful and vigilant, and practice listening with an objective mindset. This gets easier the more you practice! Fourth, start building a bridge within yourself. Consider seeds of compassion, love, and truth that you may sow to freely blossom and fully love yourself.

6 Things to Release in 2021

6 Things to Release in 2021

This year has been tough for many of us. It has changed our perception of everything around us, and also within us. I have found it easier this year to look more deeply into myself and assess that which is working and that which is not. It is important to consider aspects of ourselves that do not serve us and that we may be ready to release. It is also normal to find fear or resistance in letting go.

We might notice if something doesn’t serve us, but we don’t know how to let it go or perhaps fear that if we let it go, we won’t feel as protected. That is okay – take it one step at a time. Here are 6 aspects within which we can safely let go and still be protected. Given the crazy year of 2020, these things have been loosened and are now primed for release:

1) Self-doubt – when we question ourselves and doubt our actions or words, we undermine our own confidence. One of the reasons self-doubt exists is because we have been conditioned to second-guess ourselves and look outside of ourselves for truth. Another reason this exists is because someone in your life continued to doubt you, projecting their own self-doubt onto you. If you are doubting yourself, try this exercise. Look deeper and bring in clarity in your mind regarding the competent ways you have addressed your life. Sit with a memory in which you felt confident and clear with your own truth.

2) Self-Sabotage – I find that doubt and low worth of self can often lead to sabotaging of self. Perhaps something is going well and then before you know it, you have not chosen wisely and have messed up a good thing. One of the biggest catalysts to this issue is discomfort with “receiving” and not feeling as though one deserves it. You are worthy of all good things. If life is going well, do you believe you deserve it? Of course you do – everyone does! Imagine one of your best days and receive how wonderful it was without doubting or sabotaging the good. Allow the good to come and live inside your body. As you practice, you will get more and more comfortable.

3) Negative, critical self-talk – This one in particular requires a lot of awareness of thoughts. Those of you who have taken my Actively Letting It Be course recognize that we cannot let go of something if we are not aware that we have it. Once we identify that we are talking negatively to ourselves, we can then work to let it go. But first, we must be compassionate. It is so much easier to listen to our thoughts when we are not judging them. Once that is out of the way, we can listen to our thoughts with more curiosity and intention to transform them. If you catch a negative thought in your mind, great – you are aware of it! What do you want to say instead? Pluck the weed and plant the seed!

4) People-pleasing – We will never be able to please everyone, so we might as well please ourselves. There is a fine line between caring for others and curing them. Often when we are people-pleasing, we are trying to manage others’ feelings and doing our best not to make them feel bad. Since when are emotions so bad to experience? Can’t we all manage our emotions pretty well overall? It’s important to remember that if we are pleasing someone else at the cost of ourselves, we are chipping away at our spirit and not honoring the one true person who has the potential to always be there for you.

5) Fear of failure/success – It seems that the fear of either failure or success is inherently driven by the same issue – insecurity. The fear of failure holds us back from shining out who we are, or sometimes from even trying in the first place. The fear of success is there to remind us that if we do try and we succeed, we might not deserve it or be unable to handle the changes involved with it. Both revolve around insecurity and fear of being capable. Imagine a time when you have failed and how that continued to motivate you to try. Conversely, imagine a time when you succeeded and how you grew as a person and potentially inspired another to take a step forward.

6) Perfectionism – Not one of us is perfect but we often have a perception of others’ perfection. Social media outlets and text messaging offer brief moments into others’ lives, but we aren’t usually offered the ugly, more difficult moments. We all have these moments suggesting that whatever we are viewing as perfect in others’ lives is skewed. There is no perfect, there is only our best with the knowledge that our best changes from each moment to the next.

Take an Inventory of Your Coping Toolbox!

With these stressful times going on, it is imperative that we get clear and review all of our coping skills in order to care for ourselves so that we can do what we can in the world. With a bit of time to reflect during the holidays, take a look inside your coping toolbox.

What are you doing to show yourself love and to nurture yourself?

It's easy to find one tool that you like and get into the habit of using that all the time. Yet, if the only tool we use is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail! Remember that we need to use all of our tools.

In times of stress and intense emotion, it can be difficult to remember all of our tools. This article is a reminder to take an inventory of all that you have and all that you can do for yourself.

Here are some behaviors that might be helpful to us to balance and nurture ourselves, especially when we are feeling emotionally overwhelmed:

1) Our breath is an incredibly important tool and always available to us. Try this particular breathing technique that can help reduce stimulation of our nervous system: inhale for 4-5 seconds, hold at the top of your breath for 3 seconds, and then slowly release with control for 5-6 seconds. Notice your body and how it feels; now try it once or twice more.

2) Physical movement is essential for our body, mind, and spirit. Try taking a walk or do some easy stretching; alternatively, clean or organize something while staying conscious of your movement. My favorite - turn on your favorite music and dance!

3) Do something creative. Creativity comes in many forms whether it be doing some kind of art like painting or coloring (there is a pix of a flower below you can download), cooking, interior or clothing design, knitting, gaming (chess anyone?), or taking on a home project. Consider how you can engage this part of your brain and use creativity for release.

4) Use your imagination. Einstein was quoted saying: "Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution." Take yourself to a beautiful place in your mind. There are several research studies finding that if we bring in positive past memories and/or create beautiful sceneries in our mind, it stimulates the brain in more positive ways.

5) Bring in the good - use imagination/memory to bring in positive emotions such as love, joy, gratitude, and peace. Try taking around 30-60 seconds while really feeling each emotion.

6) Try slowing down and meditating. If you are interested in some guided meditations, check out some of my free offerings:

7) Write down a list of everything you can do to uplift yourself and facilitate your self-care. When we feel emotional, it can be difficult to remember. If we have taken an inventory of our toolbox, we can be more prepared for difficult times.

Here is an example of my own toolbox list:

1) Take an epsom salt bath and lavendar

2) Clean out a drawer

3) Take a walk

4) Cuddle my dog

5) Cook and eat a healthy meal

6) Have a glass of wine (useful in moderation)

7) Color in my mandala coloring book

8) Call a friend

9) Write in my gratitude journal

10) Take a nap

11) Meditate

12) Stretch/Do Yoga

13) Write - (I am working on a new book, which calms me), express myself in a letter (it is good to express whatever emotion is coming up)

14) Have a snack

15) Have a cup of tea/coffee

16) Watch a funny show/stand up comedy

17) Get into a good story (whether reading or watching a show)

18) Play or listen to music - drum (on literally anything) or practice/begin learning an instrument

19) Moisturize - massage your hands and feet with your favorite cream

20) Do some art that expresses my inner world with symbols

21) Clean the kitchen mindfully

22) Step outside for a moment to take in the outdoors

There are so many things we can do for ourselves, this is just the beginning of an inventory of choices. Make a list for yourself on what works for you and practice varying all the behaviors on it. Be sure you are utilizing your resources!